So I have had a relapse in my addiction to internet quizzes. I decided to just for fun look up psychological tests. (Okay I’ll come clean, I wanted to do a screening for one of my created characters in my head. Don’t worry, I know they’re not real!)
Now, I am very well aware that these quizzes are not by any means a diagnosis. Only a certified psychiatrist can dx someone with a mental disorder blah blah blah. But I still think it’s interesting and since I am rather self-centered (not in the “I’m so great” way but in the “gee I love knowing things about myself” way) and I rely on outside sources to tell me who I am, I decided to take the quizzes. While these are not dx I do think there is some weight with these quizzes since they are straigtforward screening of the symptoms. So here’s what I took:
Bipolar Screening: A very loud, blaringly obvious DUH! I think the website was going through wire-frying with how much I meet the criteria for Bipolar Disorder. Now what type of Bipolar, only God–and my very tight-lipped pdoc–knows.
PTSD: Now this is the dx that if my mother was going to dx me with it would be a bull’s eye. Well guess what, I have a high probability of suffering from PTSD. That’s another duh. Pick a trauma, any trauma. It’s just something I’ve lived with for so long that by this point in my life I don’t think anything of it. PTSD is my normal.
Adult ADD: For those of you not up to date, my therapist and I have been heavily discussing the possibility of my having ADD. Unfortunately the only way to prove that is to take meds and see if they work. I think my bipolar meds calm the mania down enough so that I just seem eccentric instead of crazy and I’m okay with that. Plus I really just don’t want to make my liver process yet another pill. But the point here is that this was another screening that my responses made the server fry. It was like, very high possibility. Underlined, bolded, italicized, with screaming red arrows pointing to it. Oh well, so I will remain the crazy in the office, except when I’m depressed, though one can argue that that is also crazy.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Okay, so this is a dx I have been battling for a couple of years. Am I am I not? Well recently I had decided, with the help of my therapist, that I am not BPD. However, I cannot deny the fact that many of the symptoms describing BPD fit me very well. Of course one can argue about the validity of personality disorders but we wont’ have that discussion here. The screening says: High possibility of having BPD. u.u; I can’t seem to get away from it. So…am I Borderline Borderline like I’ve always thought, or a recovering Borderline? Or am I simply a Borderline who was lucky enough to find a stable partner in marriage and that stability is keeping me healthy? Cuz I can tell you this: therapy didn’t do shit to help my “Borderline Personality Traits”. That was all my husband who got me to trust again and showed me stability I’d never known. Plus being a wife gives me a constant identity. I don’t have to wonder who I am because my primary role is wife. Secondary is mother to our three pets. I have never had a constant role like this. And if you haven’t guessed, I describe who I am based on my roles, aside from the basic demographic info. Perhaps another sign pointing toward BPD? Granted I’ve never really bought my therapist’s reasoning for why I do not have a personality disorder. She says I am too self-aware to have a personality disorder. Quite frankly I have spent a lot of time with the intricacies of BPD and I have never come across anything that says Borderlines are not self-aware. Okay, yeah there’s some stuff out there about Borderlines not realizing the affect their actions have on other people, but that’s not all Borderlines! Let’s also think about the fact that I was majorly depressed for years with no therapy or antidepressants. That gives you plenty of time to become “self-aware” as you ruminate over everything you do wrong and all the shit you give other people.
Okay I’m off my soap box, promise.
So why do I bother to continue to take these quizzes even though they make me question myself and I know they don’t dx me. I mean, it’s not like I want there to be something wrong with me. Okay, that’s not a total truth. I am a bit of a hypochondriac and tend to overidentify with diseases and maladies. But I’m usually able to see reason. And I know it’s bad to have these things even as part of me wants to have these things (I have no idea why I have these fantasies. Even as a kid I would pretend that some tragedy befell me. Maybe it’s an attention thing? I’m not totally sure.) But the point is, I know I don’t have every illness that I read about. And I don’t sit in the doctor’s office telling them to do an operation because I just know that I have this [insert obstruction] in my [insert body part]. Anyway, one, I’m addicted to these tests. Two, I just want answers! Anyone with unstable identity will understand this, I think. I define myself by the world around me. If the world were to become a blank slate, well quite frankly I’d kill myself. But seriously I would be nothing. So I crave these labels and attach to them just to have some way to describe me! I don’t even necessarily want to put it on a piece of paper. I don’t want it to be in my medical records. I just want somebody to say: this is what/who you are.
Okay this has been an incredibly long post so I will end here. If you have made it through the entire post: Congrats! Here is a virtual cookie: o. I know it looks like an “O” but trust me, it’s a cookie. Any flavor you want. Oh, and I forgot: [confetti!].
By the way, if anyone is offended by the way I refer to a person as their disorder, such as saying Borderlines or Bipolars as opposed to people with Borderline/Bipolar Disorder, I am terribly sorry. I do not mean to offend. I am just too damn lazy to use the PC version. I promise I do not think people are defined by their illness. Except me. But that’s a personal problem: read above.
Okay, I’m done, I promise.
Fighting Labels 
