Archive for December, 2009

Happy Birthday To Me!!

Posted: December 21, 2009 in Uncategorized

I’m doing it low key this year. I’ve come to realize that birthdays are better if I don’t make a big to-do about. Less disappointment that way. But I’ve gotten lots of facebook birthday wishes! And i’m going to treat myself to a manicure today, something I haven’t done in a long time. I’m making my husband come with me! 😀

Obviously I’m in a much better mood than last post. The last post was a result of oversensitivity and pms…which I am strongly beginning to suspect is actually PMDD. AND I’m on Yaz, which should help it, which it DOESN’T. Liars!

But yes, just thought I would share a birthday post!

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I am in a sour mood today.

I know I’ve been irritable the past few days. And I know I’m oversensitive. But a girl can only take so much rejection.

I hate eating lunch alone. I am a social person and like to use lunch as a time I can be social without getting in trouble with the supervisor. That hasn’t been happening lately. The last time I asked to eat lunch with my self-designated lunch buddy, she said she was working. My original lunch buddy has since decided she’d rather talk to her boyfriend on the phone during lunch than be social with me. So today. My original lunch buddy, the one that has since started ignoring me, had her door shut during lunch. In fact she hasn’t wanted to talk to me all day. I know she’s going through stuff so I guess I can understand. My usual lunch buddy was having a private moment with a student and told me nicely to leave. So I sat at my desk and worked through lunch while I ate.

That irritated me enough and I was feeling pathetic, miserable and lonely with just that.

Then it’s past my lunch hour…not that it matters since I worked through lunch. The two aforementioned people and my Grad were in the lounge watching tv and laughing. I felt so rejected. Like that loser that no one wants to talk to. So I just asked my question and quickly left. Then they closed door, meaning they were all having a private moment. I feel like such a fool. I keep putting myself out there only to be rejected. It’s like I never know whether or not they’ll decide to like me that day. It’s like a freakin roller coaster and I’m so sick of it. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to withdraw like I used to. It’s not worth continually putting myself out there.

I just feel so pathetic. I don’t have any friends where I live. All of my friends that are far away, except for one, don’t care enough to keep in touch really. I feel so isolated and alone. I just want to go drive off a cliff. Sometimes I wonder what’s the point. Maybe me and my husband should just pick up and move back to where his family is. Then at least there would be someone. And all his friends are there so I would have people to hang out with. Cuz right now I sure don’t feel like being in the Christmas spirit.

Maybe I really am unlikeable.

The title of this post is after a song that was playing while I started this blog. The band is Matchbook Romance, which I love to listen to when I’m in a bad mood. Here’s the lyrics:

girl, what’s come between you and me?
look right through me
i won’t let it go
i can’t help this feeling anymore
i will go anywhere
maybe you’ll see

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken (staken)
we are the voices (voices)
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see

it came as no surprise
you bring me back to life
believe me
you bleed for me
i’ll bleed for you
i caught you walking through walls
drowned with applause
from the world that makes me crazy

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken (staken)
we are the voices (voices)
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see
yeah

we are the monsters
we are the monsters
we are the monsters
underneath your bed
we are the voices
we are the voices
we are the voices
underneath your bed
we are the monsters
we are the monsters
we are the monsters
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken (staken)
we are the voices (voices)
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you see

So I have had a relapse in my addiction to internet quizzes. I decided to just for fun look up psychological tests. (Okay I’ll come clean, I wanted to do a screening for one of my created characters in my head. Don’t worry, I know they’re not real!)

Now, I am very well aware that these quizzes are not by any means a diagnosis. Only a certified psychiatrist can dx someone with a mental disorder blah blah blah. But I still think it’s interesting and since I am rather self-centered (not in the “I’m so great” way but in the “gee I love knowing things about myself” way) and I rely on outside sources to tell me who I am, I decided to take the quizzes. While these are not dx I do think there is some weight with these quizzes since they are straigtforward screening of the symptoms. So here’s what I took:

Bipolar Screening: A very loud, blaringly obvious DUH! I think the website was going through wire-frying with how much I meet the criteria for Bipolar Disorder. Now what type of Bipolar, only God–and my very tight-lipped pdoc–knows.

PTSD: Now this is the dx that if my mother was going to dx me with it would be a bull’s eye. Well guess what, I have a high probability of suffering from PTSD. That’s another duh. Pick a trauma, any trauma. It’s just something I’ve lived with for so long that by this point in my life I don’t think anything of it. PTSD is my normal.

Adult ADD: For those of you not up to date, my therapist and I have been heavily discussing the possibility of my having ADD. Unfortunately the only way to prove that is to take meds and see if they work. I think my bipolar meds calm the mania down enough so that I just seem eccentric instead of crazy and I’m okay with that. Plus I really just don’t want to make my liver process yet another pill. But the point here is that this was another screening that my responses made the server fry. It was like, very high possibility. Underlined, bolded, italicized, with screaming red arrows pointing to it. Oh well, so I will remain the crazy in the office, except when I’m depressed, though one can argue that that is also crazy.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Okay, so this is a dx I have been battling for a couple of years. Am I am I not? Well recently I had decided, with the help of my therapist, that I am not BPD. However, I cannot deny the fact that many of the symptoms describing BPD fit me very well. Of course one can argue about the validity of personality disorders but we wont’ have that discussion here. The screening says: High possibility of having BPD. u.u; I can’t seem to get away from it. So…am I Borderline Borderline like I’ve always thought, or a recovering Borderline? Or am I simply a Borderline who was lucky enough to find a stable partner in marriage and that stability is keeping me healthy? Cuz I can tell you this: therapy didn’t do shit to help my “Borderline Personality Traits”. That was all my husband who got me to trust again and showed me stability I’d never known. Plus being a wife gives me a constant identity. I don’t have to wonder who I am because my primary role is wife. Secondary is mother to our three pets. I have never had a constant role like this. And if you haven’t guessed, I describe who I am based on my roles, aside from the basic demographic info. Perhaps another sign pointing toward BPD? Granted I’ve never really bought my therapist’s reasoning for why I do not have a personality disorder. She says I am too self-aware to have a personality disorder. Quite frankly I have spent a lot of time with the intricacies of BPD and I have never come across anything that says Borderlines are not self-aware. Okay, yeah there’s some stuff out there about Borderlines not realizing the affect their actions have on other people, but that’s not all Borderlines! Let’s also think about the fact that I was majorly depressed for years with no therapy or antidepressants. That gives you plenty of time to become “self-aware” as you ruminate over everything you do wrong and all the shit you give other people.

Okay I’m off my soap box, promise.

So why do I bother to continue to take these quizzes even though they make me question myself and I know they don’t dx me. I mean, it’s not like I want there to be something wrong with me. Okay, that’s not a total truth. I am a bit of a hypochondriac and tend to overidentify with diseases and maladies. But I’m usually able to see reason. And I know it’s bad to have these things even as part of me wants to have these things (I have no idea why I have these fantasies. Even as a kid I would pretend that some tragedy befell me. Maybe it’s an attention thing? I’m not totally sure.) But the point is, I know I don’t have every illness that I read about. And I don’t sit in the doctor’s office telling them to do an operation because I just know that I have this [insert obstruction] in my [insert body part]. Anyway, one, I’m addicted to these tests. Two, I just want answers! Anyone with unstable identity will understand this, I think. I define myself by the world around me. If the world were to become a blank slate, well quite frankly I’d kill myself. But seriously I would be nothing. So I crave these labels and attach to them just to have some way to describe me! I don’t even necessarily want to put it on a piece of paper. I don’t want it to be in my medical records. I just want somebody to say: this is what/who you are.

Okay this has been an incredibly long post so I will end here. If you have made it through the entire post: Congrats! Here is a virtual cookie: o. I know it looks like an “O” but trust me, it’s a cookie. Any flavor you want. Oh, and I forgot: [confetti!].

By the way, if anyone is offended by the way I refer to a person as their disorder, such as saying Borderlines or Bipolars as opposed to people with Borderline/Bipolar Disorder, I am terribly sorry. I do not mean to offend. I am just too damn lazy to use the PC version. I promise I do not think people are defined by their illness. Except me. But that’s a personal problem: read above.

Okay, I’m done, I promise.

You know, there are quite a few things they don’t tell you about mental illness. Especially when your considered only slightly mentally ill. As if such a thing exists. But when you’re labelled Bipolar 2 then anything that doesn’t fit the label is roughly discarded like so much garbage.

They don’t talk about the sleepless nights. Or the fact that some how you can be so crazy that Seroquel won’t even put you to sleep.

They don’t tell you how you will constantly question yourself in circles having the same conversations with yourself over and over and over and over…

They don’t talk about the jitteriness that comes. That keeps you constantly moing somehow even if it’s just your legs or fingers. Or how you can feel your entire inside trembling .

They don’t accept the various levels of insanity. You know I finally told a therapist about the fantasy worlds I create for myself. She said that was fine as long as I am able to differetiate it from reality, it’s an acceptable way to cope. But I didn’t mention that I used to not differentiate it. I mean part of me knew it wasn’t real, but it was always overcome by explanations of how i could coexist in this fantasy and the real world. And what about how I would prefer the company of my fantasy friends to the real people around me. Still do sometimes. Yes, the fantasies are back. What happens when you can’t survive without the make beleive world in your head. They don’t tell you that you don’t have to believe your delusions to still be delusional.

They don’t mention that once you’re in the mental health system you will never again be taken seriously. That doctors and therapists will have more weight in describing you than you will. That the stain of mental illness will carry over even to your physical doctors. When everything physical is a result of bipolar or hypochondria.

They don’t tell you that there will be nights where you just want to tear your skin off. To walk out in the snow in shorts and a tank top. And you don’t know why.

And they don’t dare talk about the temptation of madness. How it flirts with you and seduces you so that you want to fall into it’s dark abyss.

But maybe I’m overgenerallizing. Maybe they don’t talk aobut these things cuz they don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. There’s no label for me. No diagnosable illness. I’m just mad, like the mad-hatter, with better fashion sense. I’m just a prisoner to my own mind and there is no escape, no prescription, that will ever change that.

Perhaps I will always remain an enigma to myself, and only I know it.

I have  been hit with a sudden sadness. I was on facebook and realized just how cut off from everyone I am. It is just me and my hubby in this state. His family in friends are on one side of the country and my family and friends are on the other. And we’re smack dab in the middle, too far from either of them.

I don’t know what is so wrong with me. I go on facebook and I see how friends of mine stay in touch with other friends of mine. Am I really that difficult to keep in contact with, or am I just not worth the effort. I know that I suck at keeping in touch. It’s a problem of mine. I just get so absent minded and distracted. But is really possible that all my other friends are just as bad at keeping in touch. That can’t be true. So I guess I’m just not worth it.

I have no idea what is going on in my friends’ lives. Even those that were supposed to be my best friends. I am such a horrible person. Now I know that I’m not the charismatic ENFP. I’m the ENFP that entertains in the moment, but for the most part is forgettable. I have striven my young adult life to be unforgettable. Epic Fail. The world moves on without you.

I’m beginning to realize there is no such thing as best friends forever. Not for me. I guess I don’t deserve it. I can’t even make good enough friends with my acquaintances here, as few as they are, to be on their radar. Absolutely forgettable.

It’s times like these that I really wonder who would miss me if I died. I mean, I know my husband loves me. And my family would miss me of course. But the rest of the world…no one would care. I’m not suicidal, just sad. Like my dream has exploded into tiny pieces.

That phrase: “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” Well, I just wanted to be something to a lot of people. I don’t need to be their whole world, just a little piece of it. I’ve known since high school that I was doomed to be alone. When I met my husband, I thought the spell had been broken. Now I know the truth. The big gaping hole in my chest will never be completely filled.

Success!

Posted: December 4, 2009 in blogging, optimism, pets

Woohoo! I finally figured out how to keep up with my blogs in a sensical way. I just realized that you can follow blogs on google reader. And lo and behold, most of the blogs I (try to) follow were already in it. Who knew? First the snow, then this. I think this a good omen…

Okay, I think it’s high time I take the dog out. I hate to wake him cuz he’s been sleeping so peacefully, but he’s gots to potty and the low tonight is supposed to be 16 degrees, so I don’t want to wait too long lest we freeze!

Let me begin by saying that I have always known that I am an ENFP. I am so much an ENFP that it would be a joke for me to try to pretend to be any other Myers-Briggs personality type. The description of an ENFP describes me to a tee. Except the part about being charismatic. I don’t think people like me as much as all the descriptions say ENFPs are liked. Of course it could be  because they think I’m weird…

Anyway, I was looking over ENFP descriptions today, and I came across a description that was worded in such a way that I think I finally have an answer to my BPD confusion. I am not Borderline, I am simply an ENFP. Let me explain.

First, let’s start with the description I found:

Most ENFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

  • Tendency to be smothering
  • Their enthusiasm may lead them to be unrealistic
  • Uninterested in dealing with “mundane” matters such as cleaning, paying bills, etc.
  • Hold onto bad relationships long after they’ve turned bad
  • Extreme dislike of conflict
  • Extreme dislike of criticism
  • Don’t pay attention to their own needs
  • Constant quest for the perfect relationship may make them change relationships frequently
  • May become bored easily
  • Have difficulty scolding or punishing others

There are a couple of difficult relationship areas for the ENFP. The first problem is that many ENFPs have a problem leaving bad relationships. They tend to internalize any problems and take them on their own shoulders, believing that the success or failure of the relationship is their own responsibility. As perfectionists, they don’t like to admit defeat, and will stick with bad situations long after they should have left. When they do leave the relationship, they will believe that the failure was their fault, and that there was surely something they could have done to save the relationship.

On the entirely other end of the spectrum, many ENFPs have a difficult time staying focused and following things through to completion. If they have not focused on their ability to follow through, they may have problems staying in dedicated, monogamous relationships. They are so in tune with all of the exciting possibilities of what could be, that they will always fantasize about a greener pasture out there somewhere. If they are not paired with a partner who enjoys new experiences, or who shares their idealistic enthusiasm, the ENFP may become bored. The ENFP who is bored and who is not focused will be very unhappy, and will eventually “leave” the relationship if the problem is not addressed.

Since relationships are central to the ENFP’s life, they will be very “hands on” and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they’re doing, what they’re feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

The ENFP needs to be given positive assurance and affirmation. More than one ENFP has been known to “go fishing” for compliments. They like to hear from their significant others that they are loved and valued, and are willing and eager to return the favor. They enjoy lavishing love and affection on their mates, and are creative and energetic in their efforts to please. The ENFP gets a lot of their personal satisfaction from observing the happiness of others, and so is generally determined to please and serve their partners.

A problem area for ENFPs in relationships is their dislike of conflict and sensitivity to criticism. They are perfectionists who believe that any form of criticism is a stab at their character, which is very difficult for them to take. Conflict situations are sources of extreme stress to the ENFP. They have a tendency to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also prone to “give in” easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFP needs to realize that conflict situations are not the end of the world. They are entirely normal, and can be quite helpful for the growth of a relationship. They also need to work on taking criticism for what it is, rather than blowing up any negative comment into an indictment against their entire character.

While they are generally accepting of most all people, ENFPs with strong Feeling preferences may have a difficult time understanding people with very strong Thinking preferences who do not respond to the ENFP’s enthusiastic warmth. The ENFP will stay open-minded about what they consider a “rejection” by the Thinker, until the situation has repeated itself a few times, in which case the ENFP may shut themselves entirely against the Thinker. ENFPs may also feel threatened by individuals with strong Judging preferences. With a tendency to take any criticism personally, the ENFP may find themselves irritated or emotional when the Judger expresses a negative opinion, believing somehow that the Judger is expressing disapproval or disappointment in the ENFP.

Okay, whoa, can’t figure out how to get my normal font back. Anyway, that’s a lot to read and probably not nearly as interesting to non-ENFPs. Atleast for me I am always more interested in reading things that relate to me. But, a lot of this description totally relates to some common borderline issues. Like my “I hate you, don’t leave me” syndrome. It’s because I really value relationships, but if you criticize me then I pull away. Also, ENFPs are very emotional and that totally explains my so-called “emotional lability”. And ENFPs are really impulsive. And that whole thing about people not existing to me when they’re not here? Well, I am kind of flighty. And being an extrovert of course I don’t like being alone. But I do a lot better when I’m not depressed.

This could also mean I’m not AD(H)D because ENFPs are really enthusiastic and energetic. Who knows?

I wonder how many people have been mislabelled with some thing or another, but really they just display a certain personality type?

Please note that I am not a professional by any means and it is never a good idea to practice self-diagnosis. These are just my own musings.

But an interesting question. I think it would be neat to hear from people who have been diagnosed with a mental disorder and find out what their Myers-Briggs is. If you’re comfortable doing so, and supposing anyone is reading this anymore, leave a comment and let me know!