Archive for July, 2009

On Solid, If Mushy, Ground

Posted: July 30, 2009 in Uncategorized

The crisis has passed…for now.

I called a crisis hotline when I got home from work. Talking to the woman really helped. And she remembered the earlier phone call from my husband. That made me feel good. Like someone actually cared about me enough to remember all that. She was very helpful to talk to. I never thought I’d be the person calling a hotline, but now that I have I’m glad they exist.

Both my husband and my mom think I should talk to my mother-in-law. I know she’d be totally understanding and she’s probably really concerned about me. It’s just, how do you bring that kind of thing up? It’s not like “so now you know I’m crazy” is a great opening for dinner conversation.

The woman I talked to thinks I probably need to add some kind of anti-anxiety meds to my pharmacy. I had pretty much suspected that already. We’ll see what the pdoc says on Monday. The good thing is that right now the weekend doesn’t seem too long to wait. I can get through one more day of work. What’s really gonna be crucial is getting to sleep. I haven’t slept well in the past couple of nights, and I know that’s affecting me.

I am utterly exhausted from my 24-hour long panic attack. Hopefully that means I’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep.

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I have reached that critical point called crisis.

I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn’t in on Fridays. So I’m stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma’am.

I know that most of the problem is I’ve had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let’s list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Graduated
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy

And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it’s so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you’re really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He’s her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job…

On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don’t really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I’m just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my “depression” or “exhaustion” is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he’s been right all along?

For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they’ll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I’ve gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.

+ or -?

Posted: July 29, 2009 in depression, personality, positivity

I had to take this strengths test for work. You take this test and then it tells you your five highest strengths, in order from highest to lowest. I’m not complaining about the test, as confusing as it was, cuz I love these kinds of things. Tell me about some kind of new personality test and I’ll probably be first in line to try it out.

What struck was that my fifth strength was positivity. As in optimism. At first I was like, whoa! how’d that sneak in there? And then I realized it was right. When I’m not battling depression, I’m actually pretty positive and carefree. I make jokes and keep people laughing and normally my glass is half full. It’s just that when the depression kicks in I become a totally different person.

It’s kind of a kick in the butt to realize that. It makes me hate the depression even more.

Losing It

Posted: July 29, 2009 in bipolar disorder, family, medication

I’m still losing my mind bit by bit. Not taking the Risperdal last night has helped the depression at least. Unfortunately it was an overwhelming day at work, so at some point tonight my brain just stopped. I had to speak all my thoughts because there was no room to keep them inside. Thank god I have a pdoc appointment on Monday.

My mother-in-law just got in tonight. There’s pluses and minuses to that. The plus is I’ve been really needing some family in my life lately. The minus is that it means I have to pretend to have it together even if I really don’t.

Wish me luck!

Sigh

Posted: July 27, 2009 in bipolar disorder, depression

That demon depression has once again sneaked in to end the day. I wasn’t doing so well this morning. Then the work day was so busy that I really didn’t have anytime to just sit. Which means my thoughts didn’t have an opportunity to slip down as they have done lately. So I get off work in a great mood and think, yes! finally! But alas it was not meant to be. I did some cleaning in the office since my mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming to visit tomorrow and staying until Saturday. While I was cleaning I got really irritable. Now I’ve been sitting and as I sit the depression sinks in a little deeper. I wish I had more words to describe what I feel. Depression is so general.

*Description follows, may trigger*

There’s this unreasonable sadness, just a touch, but there’s no reason for it to be there. Then there is the tiredness. Like, not just sleepy but tired of life. And then I don’t want to do anything. And this sense of unease that sits right underneath my skin. It’s a very yucky feeling and I can’t wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday.

I just feel like I’m losing it lately. I don’t know if it’s all the transitions that have recently occurred in my life but I do know I want these feelings to stop.

Limbo

Posted: July 26, 2009 in bipolar disorder, mood swings

My mind is in a state of limbo lately. It doesn’t really know which way is up and which way is down. One minute I’m happy, the next I’m irritable, then I’m calm, then I’m happy, then I’m depressed, then I’m angry, then I’m depressed, and so on. What the HELL is wrong with me! Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar since my moods change so rapidly. Maybe I’m just crazy. Who knows anymore?

I Knew It!

Posted: July 24, 2009 in cats, fun, pets

Is your cat plotting to kill you?

Dang! And I have two of them.