Archive for August, 2009

I’ve seen a couple of good news, bad news segments on various shows. I felt inspired!

The Good News: I was inspired by a comedian with cerebral palsy. His comedy may sometimes be at his own expense, but it spreads awareness about cerebral palsy. I feel inspired. I’ve always wanted to be some kind of speaker and lately I would love to spread awareness about psychiatric disorders.

The Bad News: I am not likely to be discovered soon for having a snazzy comedy routine based on my bipolar disorder.

The Good News: I am feeling much better. The depression seems to have passed.

The Bad News: I may be experiencing random bursts of hypomania. Oh wait, that’s good news!

The Good News: The students I work with a getting to know me. They know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at anytime.

The Bad News: The students know my face. They are comfortable dropping by my office at any time.

The Good News: I created a nifty little newsletter for my students so I could communicated updates and news.

The Bad News: I will now be sending out a nifty newsletter every other week.

The Good News: I think I am beginning to discover who I am.

The Bad News: “I” includes about a dozen different personalities.

That concludes today’s Good News, Bad News. I hope you enjoyed. I hope you chuckled. And I hope it brought a little lift to your day.

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Here is an article from Newsweek that describes an increase in loneliness. Considering my most recent blog posts, I thought it might be appropriate.
Because the last time I posted a link it didn’t last long, here are some highlights:

Social isolation in all adults has been linked to a raft of physical and mental ailments, including sleep disorders, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of depression and suicide. How lonely you feel today actually predicts how well you’ll sleep tonight and how depressed you’ll feel a year from now, says John T. Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago and coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. Studies have shown that loneliness can cause stress levels to rise and can weaken the immune system. Lonely people also tend to have less healthy lifestyles, drinking more alcohol, eating more fattening food, and exercising less than those who are not lonely.

And more:

Loneliness can be relative: it has been defined as an aversive emotional response to a perceived discrepancy between a person’s desired levels of social interaction and the contact they’re actually receiving. People tend to measure themselves against others, feeling particularly alone in communities where social connection is the norm.

And then there are some findings concerning facebook and other online social networking methods:

Social-networking sites like Facebook and MySpace may provide people with a false sense of connection that ultimately increases loneliness in people who feel alone. These sites should serve as a supplement, but not replacement for, face-to-face interaction, Cacioppo says. He compares connecting on a Web site to eating celery: “It feels good immediately, but it doesn’t give you the same sustenance,” he says. For people who feel satisfied and loved in their day-to-day life, social media can be a reassuring extension. For those who are already lonely, Facebook status updates are just a reminder of how much better everyone else is at making friends and having fun.

I can totally relate to this. When everything is fine and dandy, facebook is great. If I’m depressed or feeling lonely, then facebook makes me feel like a loser. I can even feel ignored on my email groups. But the lonelier I am the more I cling to facebook.

The article also mentions that while loneliness is not genetic, sensitivity to loneliness may be inherited.

So I guess I need to get off the internet and make some more friends!

Today

Posted: August 27, 2009 in depression, life, stable, work

Today has been a good day. Daria didn’t come out to play at all. Or not play as the case may be. I was only a little depressed once and that was only because of a song. Yeah, apparently music can really affect my mood. No surprise there.

Today was really busy. We had an all campus event today. I was on my feet from 9am-1pm enthusiastically passing out notebooks and visiting my students. So very tiring but fun. And then of course I still had work until 4:30.

Now I have discovered that since we don’t have eggs I am cooking dinner. Explanation: My husband makes this really good chicken that requires eggs. Without the eggs, I make the better chicken.

So yeah, nothing exciting to report. Which for me is a good thing.

After dinner I may take a bubble bath and have a glass wine. Ooh…relaxation.

Hello!

Manic Ari has made an appearance today. Not that manic Ari is actually ever manic. (Although due to recent realizations about past diagnoses it may be possible). It is more likely that manic Ari is hypomanic. Never mind that the hypomania comes with grand delusions. Let manic Ari have her grand delusions, even if after the fact she realizes they are delusions. it doesn’t make them go away. So there to my therapist who says i’m too self-aware to have issues.

But back to manic Ari. Lately it’s only been depressed Ari. We’ll call depressed Ari: Daria. So Daria has been making quite the waves. And Daria has been having increasing anxiety that makes her want to shoot herself in the head. Manic Ari also has anxiety but it’s more like let’s get up and dance. So Manic Ari, let’s call her Mary. Mary and Daria have been switching back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, like a giant seesaw. Mary is out to play. I like Mary a lot better.

Hopeless

Posted: August 25, 2009 in depression, stress, suicide, work

***Warning: Possible Trigger***

I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you’re not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I’m not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I’m stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I’m so overwhelmed.

I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That’s why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I’m afraid that they won’t accept me since I haven’t made a “plan”. I’m afraid of the costs. I’m afraid at the consequences at work. And I’m afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.

When the only options are life and death, and you can’t do either, where does that leave you?

Nobody Knows

Posted: August 25, 2009 in depression, friends, support, work

I feel so lonely lately.

As my depression dips and dives lower I am trying to gather my support people around me. Hard to do when everyone is half a country away. I’ve been sending emails and texts and trying to call (which I’m not so great at). Problem is I might send a message and 5 days later I still haven’t heard anything. I know everybody is busy doing their life. It’s just hard because it makes me feel alone and once again feeling like my problems are never important enough. I never put myself first so when i try to do that and i don’t feel like I have a lot of support it’s like, what’s the point?

Well my blog readers, who may or may not really exist (wouldn’t that be a trip if you were all in my mind!), thanks for listening. I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on my life, especially my job, but it’s really, really hard.

We’ll see…

FML

Posted: August 24, 2009 in depression, work

I feel like such a failure.

I don’t like the job I went to school to do.

I just can’t get this life thing right.