Archive for April, 2010

So, last night was the second night of the Seroquel XR 150mg. This morning was the second morning of the Strattera. Again I was really drowsy but I had to actually go to work. My mind basically was like…I felt like my thoughts had to move through really thick sludge. My communication was slowed and slurred. We went to lunch as a staff and I made it clear I should probably not drive. Good choice. Another good choice? I did not have any alcohol when we went out for my husband’s birthday last night. I knew it would be a really bad mix with the drowsiness I was already experiencing. So, I was able to make it through the day without any naps, though I was probably only half awake for most of it. By closing time I was like, where the hell did the day go? I felt really unaccomplished today because of it.

I took my Seroquel XR already (night 3). I can already feel it kicking in so I don’t know if I’ll get everything out in this post I hope to. I think I know why I have to wash my hands after using Strattera. Apparently the kids that abuse ADHD drugs (who aren’t ADHD but use the meds for hyper focus) crush up the pills and snort them. Even though I’m on a non-stimulant, your eyes and nose absorb the medication much faster than you stomach (it’s the mucous). …and I really hope I am not helping someone experience a better high. This info is for avoiding such situations, not encouraging them.

I had my appointment with my therapist this morning. Therapy is hard when your mind is sludge. I have homework. I have to create a list of what I value. I was hoping to start the list tonight, but Seroquel XR has other plans. The only other thing I really remember from my appointment is that she called my mother a hedonist. Is was when I was contrasting my father’s Catholicism with my mother’s anti-Catholicism. She said “that’s right, your mom follows…hedonism?” “Paganism.” I snapped real quickly. That really pissed me off. A hedonist is someone who seeks pleasurable activities with no regard for responsibilities or consequences. While pagan has many meanings, in my world it does NOT mean shirking responsibilities or disregarding consequences. In fact, most pagans I have come in contact with believe in the law of karma. That means consequences are a big F-ing deal. As you can tell, that really pissed me off. It was the first time that I saw her Christian counseling basis as a problem in our therapy. Why are there no pagan therapists? And the few that do exist aren’t exactly prevalent in the Midwest. :p

Okay, so another documentation of my med reactions today: I got a sudden burst of energy this evening and cleaned our home office. It used to be a wasteland of used paper towels (have no idea where those came from), dead Japanese beetles (I think they laid eggs in there during the summer and they hatched once spring came–ew), scrapbooking  materials, art supplies, and books. Now there is a whole lot of empty space. I still need to get my altar back together. I haven’t cleansed my supplies since I took them to that group I was going to. I’m having someone over on Sunday that I want to show my altar to, so I’m hoping to do all the cleansing tomorrow. As long as I’m not drowsy all day, I should be able to do it. I also have lots more cleaning to do. I’m hoping for another late evening boost of energy. (I’ll be working tomorrow during the day, so that’s like 6 hours that I won’t be able to spend cleaning).

Okay, Seroquel XR says sleep, and when my medicine talks to me it usually means I better listen, or they will really start talking to me.

As far as my homework assignment, dear readers can you help me out? If I have not started my values list (and I will be using my blog to do so) by Wednesday, can someone give me a little nudge? 😀 Thx.

Ugh, I was so hoping to read your blogs since I am sooooo behind, but Seroquel XR…and strange dreams…are calling.

Good night blogverse.

And all you Midwesterners stay safe through this crazy weather. If you have been affected by the storms and tornadoes today, my heart goes out to you.

Peace and ❤

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So, I finally went to a new psychiatrist. I like him.

He changed some of my meds around and gave me new ones. In addition to the new allergy med my other doctor gave me. So here is the updated med list:

Seroquel Seroquel XR – 150mg

Strattera – ?mg, I am gradually increasing the dosage over 4 weeks

Verapamil – 120mg

Loestrin

Singulair – ?mg

Citalopram – 40mg

Albuterol – as needed

QVAR – ?mg, two puffs twice a day (when I remember)

So, reactions? I took my first increased Seroquel + XR (xr is new for me) last night. I have been exhausted all day. I have gone through Seroquel increases before so I know this is normal. Luckily(?) I took the day off for my husband’s birthday. So while it means I’m not a whole lot of fun on his special day, at least I’m not falling asleep at work. I can only fear what tomorrow will be like. I also took my first Strattera this morning. I don’t notice any reactions to that, unless it’s also causing the drowsiness. I know it can cause headaches, but I’ve been getting headaches ever since I started the Singulair, so I wouldn’t know the difference. Oh, and btw, Seroquel XR has a horrible, horrible taste. I startled my husband with my reaction to the pill yesterday. Will definitely be taking it with milk from now on.

As for the birthday boy, we went to Denny’s for breakfast so he could get a free Grand Slam. Then we took the dog to the dog park. We came home and had homemade nachos. He wanted that for his birthday. I got him a cookie cake. We’ll be going out with his coworkers later tonight. What we’ll do until then? I don’t know and he doesn’t know, but I vote for sleeping. 🙂

Never Picked First

Posted: April 21, 2010 in bullying

Current mood: I don’t really know. (The dog’s feeling much better)

I’m watching this E! highlight on bullying. It’s got me thinking about my own experiences with bullying.

Basically, girls are bitches.

I was easily influenced as a young girl. To the point that I would adjust my likes and dislikes based on my friends.

In the early years of elementary school, I was mostly just left out. In the later years, things weren’t quite as nice. Once my “friends” got a guy that I liked to play along with them. They told me he liked me, but ended up being a huge joke. I got made fun of for being short and skinny. I got made fun of because I didn’t develop physically as fast as some of the other girls.

In middle school I had to switch schools in the middle of the year. That was awful. I ended the year by spending snack in the bathroom and lunch in a teacher’s classroom. I had no friends. I went from one friend to another but never fit in. I first got in with the really popular kids, but this one girl really bullied me. I didn’t take it and left. Then my next group of friends completely hounded me over less than a dollar that owed one of them. I paid it back and they still hounded me. They then went around chanting the amount at me in a sing-song voice. I think that was the time I started spending my snacks in the bathroom. That year produced my most depressing poetry. I think it was also the year I took a knife to my chest in front of my sister.

I never got bullied to that extent again.

Of course my battle with depression would never end, and would later be identified as bipolar. If bullying can cause suicide in perfectly healthy teens, imagine what it can do with someone with an undiagnosed mental disorder.

Bullying is never okay.

I’m Sorry 2010

Posted: April 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

Yeah…haven’t been too great with the blogging or mood recording or anything. Let’s just say its safe to assume that I am a hot ass mess. This has been the case for at least the past two and a half weeks. I have been what I guess could be called hypomanic if we’re gonna use bipolar terminology. I think I’m coming down though. I don’t hav the energy but I do still hav the restlessness and the inability to control my mouth. I thought I was headlining into depression, but I think it was temporary borderline depression, even though I do not hav a bpd diagnosis. I was pissed at my husband.
Here’s the situation (but not the Jersey Shore kind) so far my two friends I told agree with. Tell me what you think. On sunday I had a student banquet to go to. I asked my husband if he wanted to come after he got out of work. He said no he wouldn’t be hungry. I wanted him to come anyway. So during the banquet I happen to check my phone and I hav a txt msg saying, did u get my voicemail. I said I’m at a banquet I can’t check my voicemeail. He then tells me he’s going to his managers place for guy night. So that pissed me off. Then I asked when he’d be home. He didn’t know. So I’m pissed for the entire banquet. I go home and cry my eyes out. I went to bed around 11 and he still wasn’t home. I found out the nxt day that he got home at 1:30 in the morning. Ugh!
Now this is not an issue of mistrust. I know he stayed at his managers. It’s that he blew off the banquet and then goes to guys night which I had no knowledge of beforehand. And that he came home so late. And in his voicemail he said since u hav to work I thought I’d go hav fun. Well I’m sorry that going to a banquet with me is no fun.
Anyway I have to go into a mtg but. What do u guys think?

Current mood: wtf

I have been less than stable. I’m up and down and irritable and tired and unable to pay attention. Sometimes my thoughts are racing, sometimes i have no thoughts. I’m bored but nothing amuses. Did I say i’m irritable?

I took the dog to the vet today cuz he’s been throwing up and acting out of character. Either something’s wrong or dogs can catch bipolar. The vet said that he has a lot of gas and liquid in his intestines. So he took some blood tests and we’ll see what happens when I call in the morning. The vet also said he was overweight, had another ear infection, and his teeth have a lot of plaque build up. I ended up having to take off work. I just felt like such a horrible mother. I’ve even been so careful about his weight because I know one of his parent breeds has a tendency toward obesity. And the ear problem is my fault because i didn’t clean them like i was supposed to. And i bought a toothbrush and toothpaste a while ago, but I don’t know how to brush his teeth.

i’ve been laying around all day, picking at food, and feeling generally like crap. i got over the bad mom thing but i’m moody. and it’s not even that time of the month!

i don’t even know what to do with myself. I’m bored but i can’t keep the attention to do anything. i don’t even know how it got to 6:30.

And I swear if this dog keeps whining i’m going to throw him off the balcony!!!!

my head hurts and the two sodas and advil are not helping.

i think i’m anxious too. and definitely restless.

it’s hot. It should not be 80 degrees in april. and the mosquitos are ridiculous. i feel itchy all over and it feels like little bugs are biting me. ugh!

i’m a hot ass mess.

It’s really hard for me to spend any length of time away from my husband. I’m at a conference right now and I’m really missing my husband. It doesn’t help that I’m sleep deprived. I always get more emotional when I haven’t slept.
I’ve been in this really awkward mood state lately. Like I get agitated and irritable and I talk a lot and can’t shut up. And I’m so angry and have like no censor on my mouth. And even though I’m exhausted I have the hardest time falling asleep. And I can’t focus at all. And I have no appetite. I don’t know what’s going on with me.
And I miss my husband.

Current mood: Who the hell knows.

So I’ve fallen off the boat with mood charting–in a sense. Of course that’s really nothing unusual. The only thing constant in my life is that nothing is ever constant.

I have no idea who I am, who I was, or who I want to be. I told my Brand New Therapist that I need help figuring out who I am. She didn’t seem to get it so I guess I’m screwed.

I did get rid of Dr. A-Hole–finally! The possible new psychiatrist is supposed to call me when they get my records. I also scheduled an appointment with my PCP, which isn’t until two weeks from now. But hopefully I will get my ADHD meds. Once I see the new psychiatrist I’m gonna ask about anxiety meds because I really have felt like I might shank somebody lately. (Please note this should be taken as a Tarasoff warning. I promise that everyone around me is safe, except perhaps my less aggressive personalities.)

I do have an idea spinning in my head. I think I want to start a Zine about mental illness and identity. I used to contribute to a Zine that has since gone under. Granted considering my unconstant blogging, who knows how long the Zine would actually go. I’m thinking if I had a solid deadline, I could keep it up. Would anyone be interested in contributing. I mean, it would be kinda boring if it was just a bunch of my crap. Let me know.

And now a word of wisdom:

Do not hold in farts. It is a way for your body to get rid of gas that can hurt it. When possible, fart in someone’s face. It’s not good for your body, but it’s really funny. – Chuy, Chelsea Lately (not sure if I quoted that correctly but apparently he has a new book. Maybe I can find a 2 for 1 deal for Chelsea’s newest book and Chuy’s book.