Archive for August, 2010

Continue down that lonely path

Posted: August 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’m feeling sad and lonely tonight. For some reason that demon thought about my friends decided to show up today. These are the girls I think I’ve posted about before. The five of us were all best friends in college.

It hurts to think how far apart we’ve drifted. What hurts more is they don’t seem to think of me as often as I think of them.

I will be the first to admit I’m horrible at keeping in touch (just look at how bad I am with blogging). And I’ve felt so guilty and kept thinking if only I would communicate more than this wouldn’t be an issue. But today I realized something. I have been putting in an effort. I am 99% of the time the one who initiates contact, with varied responses. There are two friends that usually respond after some time. There are two others that never respond. One of those friend I’ve suspected I was not as good a friend as I thought. Ever since I was not a bridesmaid at her wedding. I know it’s a stupid thing to get upset about. But the only other friend who was not included (and this includes those who were added to the “circle” without unanimous agreement) was the one who was married and lived 300 miles away and couldn’t even make the wedding. Like the week before the wedding she asked me to be an usher. I was just surprised to be invited.

Now I have another friend who’s engaged. She at least called me to tell me about the engagement. But I haven’t heard from her since and I’m expecting to once again be excluded.

Perhaps it’s time to give up this dream. This dream that we will always be friends. Perhaps it’s time to realize I only have one best friend. The one that is an (admittedly) codependent relationship. A relationship which several people have advised is not healthy. But how do I leave her alone and leave me friendless?

It just sucks that what I’ve always feared may be true: I was only, am only, a friend of convenience. Friend forever doesn’t mean anything when you’re 1,000 miles away. And they have the luxury to forget about me. They didn’t leave everything behind and move somewhere where they didn’t know anyone. I however only have my husband. And when he’s at work I have plenty of time to be bored and think about my so-called friendships.

I used to be convinced that I was destined to be alone. Then I got married and I thought I had been proven wrong. Now I think it was never meant to be literal. But rather I would always feel alone.

So, do I save myself further pain and let go of this false hope. I’m sure they’ll all get along just fine.

Another thought. Is it simply coincidence that they drifted away after my mental issues were revealed, or is it cause and effect.

Oh well, I guess I’m left to continue to search for the plug of this gaping whole.

On a completely different note, the spam commenters are getting trickier. So I apologize if legitimate comments get marked as spam.

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and out from the depths…

Posted: August 4, 2010 in Uncategorized

Yes I have been horrible at blogging. I haven’t updated my blog for my family either. I really haven’t done much of anything as I’ve been lazy/uninspired. I closed my twitter account since that was doing nothing but taking up cyber space. Hell I haven’t even been on fb for 2 days which I’m usually addicted to.
Well I haven’t been doing nothing. I got a job. Yay! *confetti* I’m working at a clothing store and u know what? I’m having more fun than when I worked at the college. So many less politics at the clothing store.
I’ve also gotten back into writing fanfiction. Wtf? Yes ladies and gentlemen (and anyone in between) I used to write fanfiction. And yes, I have started writing again. It actually feels good to be somewhat creative again. Its been so long.
And now I have a request for u, dear readers. I have a friend that I want to share bpd resources w/ her. These should be resources for someone who has bpd. If u have any ideas I would to hear them. U can either write it in a comment or email me at arifaery@gmail.
Well, I hope life is treating u well and I will try to write more often. I will try to read to but my attention span is a bit short lately. :/