I have  been hit with a sudden sadness. I was on facebook and realized just how cut off from everyone I am. It is just me and my hubby in this state. His family in friends are on one side of the country and my family and friends are on the other. And we’re smack dab in the middle, too far from either of them.

I don’t know what is so wrong with me. I go on facebook and I see how friends of mine stay in touch with other friends of mine. Am I really that difficult to keep in contact with, or am I just not worth the effort. I know that I suck at keeping in touch. It’s a problem of mine. I just get so absent minded and distracted. But is really possible that all my other friends are just as bad at keeping in touch. That can’t be true. So I guess I’m just not worth it.

I have no idea what is going on in my friends’ lives. Even those that were supposed to be my best friends. I am such a horrible person. Now I know that I’m not the charismatic ENFP. I’m the ENFP that entertains in the moment, but for the most part is forgettable. I have striven my young adult life to be unforgettable. Epic Fail. The world moves on without you.

I’m beginning to realize there is no such thing as best friends forever. Not for me. I guess I don’t deserve it. I can’t even make good enough friends with my acquaintances here, as few as they are, to be on their radar. Absolutely forgettable.

It’s times like these that I really wonder who would miss me if I died. I mean, I know my husband loves me. And my family would miss me of course. But the rest of the world…no one would care. I’m not suicidal, just sad. Like my dream has exploded into tiny pieces.

That phrase: “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” Well, I just wanted to be something to a lot of people. I don’t need to be their whole world, just a little piece of it. I’ve known since high school that I was doomed to be alone. When I met my husband, I thought the spell had been broken. Now I know the truth. The big gaping hole in my chest will never be completely filled.

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Comments
  1. Oh, sweetie. You are not a failure. It may sound hard to believe right now but from the outside, you can never tell what is going on with people. Not to mention, with something like FB. Crazy! It’s a virtual entity, so who knows what the “real” situation is.

    I do understand what you are saying about feeling cut off and being lonely. I do it, too. Total hermit mode. I find it so hard to make friends. I’m trying to get out of the house and do some things where, hey, maybe I’ll make a friend. Someone new to hang out with. Something for you to consider, as well?

    You’re great, though. A wonderful person as far as I see it. That may sound contradictory due to what I’ve said about the “virtual world” above, but you’ve always been so good to me.

    Also, I’ve responded to your comment some come back to me!

    xo

  2. SabrinaWeb says:

    I usually dont post in Blogs but your blog forced me to, amazing work.. Kind regards from france

  3. Lil says:

    Oh wow, I understand that big gaping hole, which for me is definitely connected to being BPD. Being alone is something we all live with, I guess, even those people who seem to be surrounded by friends and family… somehow we have to find peace within maybe…I don’t know! I think the Myers-Briggs profiles are really interesting, loved your post about being ENFP. I am supposedly an ISTJ and the main thing in that profile that relates to BPD is the catastrophe thinking!

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