Monsters

Posted: December 15, 2009 in alone, bad day, depression, emptiness, feelings, friends, loneliness, pain, rejection

I am in a sour mood today.

I know I’ve been irritable the past few days. And I know I’m oversensitive. But a girl can only take so much rejection.

I hate eating lunch alone. I am a social person and like to use lunch as a time I can be social without getting in trouble with the supervisor. That hasn’t been happening lately. The last time I asked to eat lunch with my self-designated lunch buddy, she said she was working. My original lunch buddy has since decided she’d rather talk to her boyfriend on the phone during lunch than be social with me. So today. My original lunch buddy, the one that has since started ignoring me, had her door shut during lunch. In fact she hasn’t wanted to talk to me all day. I know she’s going through stuff so I guess I can understand. My usual lunch buddy was having a private moment with a student and told me nicely to leave. So I sat at my desk and worked through lunch while I ate.

That irritated me enough and I was feeling pathetic, miserable and lonely with just that.

Then it’s past my lunch hour…not that it matters since I worked through lunch. The two aforementioned people and my Grad were in the lounge watching tv and laughing. I felt so rejected. Like that loser that no one wants to talk to. So I just asked my question and quickly left. Then they closed door, meaning they were all having a private moment. I feel like such a fool. I keep putting myself out there only to be rejected. It’s like I never know whether or not they’ll decide to like me that day. It’s like a freakin roller coaster and I’m so sick of it. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to withdraw like I used to. It’s not worth continually putting myself out there.

I just feel so pathetic. I don’t have any friends where I live. All of my friends that are far away, except for one, don’t care enough to keep in touch really. I feel so isolated and alone. I just want to go drive off a cliff. Sometimes I wonder what’s the point. Maybe me and my husband should just pick up and move back to where his family is. Then at least there would be someone. And all his friends are there so I would have people to hang out with. Cuz right now I sure don’t feel like being in the Christmas spirit.

Maybe I really am unlikeable.

The title of this post is after a song that was playing while I started this blog. The band is Matchbook Romance, which I love to listen to when I’m in a bad mood. Here’s the lyrics:

girl, what’s come between you and me?
look right through me
i won’t let it go
i can’t help this feeling anymore
i will go anywhere
maybe you’ll see

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken (staken)
we are the voices (voices)
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see

it came as no surprise
you bring me back to life
believe me
you bleed for me
i’ll bleed for you
i caught you walking through walls
drowned with applause
from the world that makes me crazy

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken (staken)
we are the voices (voices)
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see
yeah

we are the monsters
we are the monsters
we are the monsters
underneath your bed
we are the voices
we are the voices
we are the voices
underneath your bed
we are the monsters
we are the monsters
we are the monsters
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken (staken)
we are the voices (voices)
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see

we are
we are the shaken (shaken)
we are the monsters (monsters)
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you see

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