It’s been awhile.

I was actually feeling quite well. These past couple of months have been quite stable. I’ve felt as though I finally found the right combination of meds. I thought that life was finally going to even out for me. Sure I’d be on meds for the rest of my life, but who cared if I was happy.

Well, vacation’s over. Curse you honeymoon period. Turns out what I thought would last  a life time lasted only long enough to give me false hope. What could it be this time? Let’s take a role call:

Depression: I am on the same dosage of generic Celexa as I was during my stable time. Okay, so admittedly I have been forgetting to take it on time, but I’ve only missed a couple of full days.

Bipolar Disorder: Still on the Seroquel XR at the same dosage. No real change there. Okay so there was that one night that I spent at my grandparents but forgot the Seroquel at my dad’s and didn’t sleep and then had a nervous breakdown the next day at my sister’s birthday party. But since then I’ve taken it religiously. I may have had a few hypomanic moments that past month but they have been too short lived to be a true hypomanic episode. Although I am pretty angry right now for no damn reason which can be indicative of the Bipolar, but also of PMS (which I also have)

Eating Disorder: I have been unhappy about my weight. The good news is since August I have dropped a whole pants size and 4 pounds. However I am still eating a diet full of junk food, although admittedly I haven’t been eating as much as I should lately. That has less to do with weight concerns and more to do with fatigue/laziness/lack of anything sounding good. I don’t keep a scale in the house, though I have been tempted. I could also probably use the energy boost that comes from not eating for a couple of days, but I hate the sound of my stomach growling so that’s not likely to happen.

BPD: I think there’s a general agreement that I’m cured of this, if I even had it in the first place. Of course as I begin to slip back to my old friend, those symptoms are starting to become more noticeable.

ADHD: Still on the medication…sometimes. This is admittedly the medication I most often forget to take. Hence the lack of memory, low attention span, inability to focus, etc. However, I don’t think that has anything to do with depression (except for giving me more ammo against myself).

Seasonal Affective Disorder: Ah, here’s the culprit. Though it has never been written down on paper, my first therapist noticed the signs and my first effective psychiatrist “prescribed” a sun lamp (which is sitting up stairs in the closet). Apparently the SAD is not affected by simplistic human medicine. It’s the only thing I can figure.

So what exactly am I feeling. There are moments when I laugh, and do enjoy myself. But they only last the moment. As long as the stimulus no longer holds my attention I go back to feeling somewhat morose. Angry for no reason: check. Self-degradation: check. Feeling all alone in the world: check. My current job situation certainly doesn’t help. For those of you who have previously read my blog know I used to work at a college. Well, since moving for my husband’s job I now work retail. And this shit is hard work. I feel like crap everyday because I don’t meet any of my standards and I get to read that everyday when looking at stats. I am also now convinced that the managers like the new hire better than me. Don’t get me wrong, I like her too. I’ve invited her to hang out with me though the invitation hasn’t yet been accepted. And if the managers like her better then perhaps she can take my job of having a key and managerial responsibilities without managerial pay. But there is that problem of the constant need for approval I have. So yeah, it hurts a little. The result? I spend half my time at work miserable and depressed without the pay to make it worth it.

Money. Sigh. We’re making it, just living paycheck to paycheck. I appreciate the blessing of just making it. But the insurance through my husband’s work sucks and doesn’t cover mental health. I keep forgetting to call Medicaid to see if they cover that. I’m currently covered for family planning so I get GYN appointments and birth control free. As for my asthma, it’s cheaper to get my inhalers through Costco than through my insurance. I need to get some kind of mental health coverage stat. My old psychiatrist won’t give me another prescription. And I should probably see a therapist considering how down I’m feeling. I know I’m getting depressed, but I’m not THERE yet.

The funny thing is my last post in August was about my group of friends, and those feelings have not gone away. I still feel very distant from them. Definitely pretty sure I won’t be a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding. My list of bridesmaids for my wedding (yes we’re married, but didn’t get to do the big shebang so we’ll be doing some sort of vow renewal) is whittling down quite a bit.

I just feel like I have no friends and that’s pretty pathetic. I keep bugging my husband about wanting a baby but he’s being logical and doesn’t want one until we’re more financially stable. Granted there are some days where I feel like I’ll be an unfit mother.

So all in all just not feeling that great about myself lately. And it’s only the beginning of the season. And now Daylight Savings ended, so it gets darker a hell of a lot earlier. And it still has to get much colder and cloudier. Well F me, I guess it’s time to pull that stupid lamp out. How awkward.

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Comments
  1. Lil says:

    It’s good to hear from you again Ari, even if that means things aren’t so great for you right now. SAD sucks. I am the opposite, I hate the summertime which is approaching here in Australia. I crave some rain and clouds. Hope you get some mental health coverage and get to see a therapist, especially if you feel old patterns returning… Take care xx

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