Archive for October, 2009

I have had a very productive day at work today so I am rewarding myself by blogging.

So, some updates on life. I went to the neurologist and I don’t have carpultunnel. However, I do have this thing called Raynaud’s Phenomenon. Basically whenever I get too cold or anxious my bloodvessels constrict and I don’t get enough blood going to my hands and feet. So now I’m on another medicine. My poor stomach just doesn’t know what to do anymore. By the way, these nerve tests are soooo painful. The first test they send these electric currents through your nerves. My doctor had told me it wouldn’t hurt, just feel funny. Yeah, liar! Oh my gosh it was so painful I just wanted to cry. Then they did another test where they stuck this long skinny needle through my muscles. The needle was supposed to be so thin I wouldn’t feel it. Too bad I am very sensitive to pain. Oh my gosh it hurt so much. The doctor was like, stop tensing. And I’m thinking, right, with a huge fricken needle digging through my arm! So the moral of this story is, if your doctor says a procedure won’t hurt, but it sounds like it will hurt, go with your gut. Granted there was nothing I could do about it all, but they could have warned me I would need an elephant-sized vicodin afterward. I had to make do with some tylenol.

Medicine update. My pdoc won’t prescribe me Seroquel like I want because he says my insurance will fight it. Oh I was so pissed at my thereapist when she told me. She said to pair the Risperdol with my Ambien if the Ambien alone isn’t enough. Plus the Risperdol will help with the hypomania. Okay see I want the Seroquel because it works better than the Risperdol and I know it will put me to sleep. The whole reason I went off it was because I didn’t have the time as a grad student to sleep a full 8 hours a night. Now that I sleep about a 10 the Seroquel would be perfect. If my pdoc doesn’t want to fight the insurance, can’t he just give me the generic? When my therapist called I was kind of in a shopping crisis with a student. Plus I’m not a very good advocate for myself. I have an appt tomorrow so will try to talk to her about it then.

Besides that I was very sick this weekend. My husband thinks it was a reaction to my flu shot a couple of weeks ago. It started out Friday with nausea and weakness. I ended up going home early. Then I spent all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday on the couch. I felt so sick. I had a low grade fever and was so weak. I think the nausea was a combination of a bad GERD attack and my new medication. Because I was fine when I woke up this morning, but haven’t been for the rest of the day unless I’m sitting still. However the weakness and muscle ache was definitely some kind of bug.

Today, still exhausted and nauseous but proud of myself for being so productive.

I can only wait with trepidation for what tomorrow will bring.

No I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I just really haven’t had the time to blog.

Life has been kind of crapola. The hubby still hasn’t found a job using his degree and he is not happy with where he is working. So he comes home always in a bad mood, which is really hard for me because I always pick up other people’s moods. I try to be supportive but it’s hard when there’s not much I can do.

Also I’ve been really tired lately. Part of it is I don’t get enough sleep. My pdoc finally prescribed me some Ambien but it doesn’t always provide a full night’s sleep. It at least gets me able to sleep within 15 minutes instead of the hour it used to be. But I still wake up multiple times throughout the night. So that even when I get a full night of sleep I’m still not caught up on sleep. So I’m always tired now.

I’m also now officially only taking the Lexapro besides the sleeping pills. I don’t really know how to describe what I’m feeling because I’m so damn tired all the time. But I think the Lexapro only is part of the reason I can’t sleep. Plus I’ve been really hyperactive. Okay not really hyperactive, but hyperactive. I can’t focus and I’m always chatting with my coworker. My boss just sent self-reflective worksheets on mine and my coworkers job performances. This was right after a comment about my chatting with my other coworker. I just know she’s gonna get on me about talking all the time. She thinks I don’t get any work done. Partly it’s that I’m not made to sit in a desk all day anyway. I need people. But also partly it’s that I just can’t focus or sit still.

I just don’t know how to feel right now. I’m stuck somewhere between the mindset and feelings of depression with the energy of hypomania. I know I’m gonna get lamblasted for this but I wish I would just go into full blown mania so I can stop thinking so damn much!

I’ve been trying to contact my therapist to tell her about everything going on. But when she calls back I’m at work and can’t talk. She’s in the office until 7 but she never seems to have a free moment after I get off work. I’d try my pdoc but I think he’s less likely to be available and he doesn’t really listen to me anyway.

On top of everything else I have this tingling in my head. Very much like that feeling you get in your feet when they fall asleep. I think my pdoc misunderstood when I told him about it because he said it would get better with sleep. Well, now it happens more often and now I get it in my nose and lips too. I have to see a neurologist tomorrow to take a look at my numb fingers and sore wrists (my physician thinks carpultunnel is a possibility). I’ll tell the neurologist about the head thing. I’m thinking a neurologist will take it seriously. I also had my blood checked for iron, B12, diabetes, and two other things. So hopefully all these tests will bring about some clues as to what is going on in my body.

I mean, when I look at everything I have, I know I’m luckier than a lot of people. But work has been so difficult and home is kind of a downer. I just find I have very little empathy for other people anymore. I just can’t listen to my family and friend’s problems all the time anymore. I have little patience or energy for that. But because I’ve always been a giver, it’s kind of like blasphemy for me not to want to take on everyone’s problems.

I just want to sleep for a million years.