Continue down that lonely path

Posted: August 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’m feeling sad and lonely tonight. For some reason that demon thought about my friends decided to show up today. These are the girls I think I’ve posted about before. The five of us were all best friends in college.

It hurts to think how far apart we’ve drifted. What hurts more is they don’t seem to think of me as often as I think of them.

I will be the first to admit I’m horrible at keeping in touch (just look at how bad I am with blogging). And I’ve felt so guilty and kept thinking if only I would communicate more than this wouldn’t be an issue. But today I realized something. I have been putting in an effort. I am 99% of the time the one who initiates contact, with varied responses. There are two friends that usually respond after some time. There are two others that never respond. One of those friend I’ve suspected I was not as good a friend as I thought. Ever since I was not a bridesmaid at her wedding. I know it’s a stupid thing to get upset about. But the only other friend who was not included (and this includes those who were added to the “circle” without unanimous agreement) was the one who was married and lived 300 miles away and couldn’t even make the wedding. Like the week before the wedding she asked me to be an usher. I was just surprised to be invited.

Now I have another friend who’s engaged. She at least called me to tell me about the engagement. But I haven’t heard from her since and I’m expecting to once again be excluded.

Perhaps it’s time to give up this dream. This dream that we will always be friends. Perhaps it’s time to realize I only have one best friend. The one that is an (admittedly) codependent relationship. A relationship which several people have advised is not healthy. But how do I leave her alone and leave me friendless?

It just sucks that what I’ve always feared may be true: I was only, am only, a friend of convenience. Friend forever doesn’t mean anything when you’re 1,000 miles away. And they have the luxury to forget about me. They didn’t leave everything behind and move somewhere where they didn’t know anyone. I however only have my husband. And when he’s at work I have plenty of time to be bored and think about my so-called friendships.

I used to be convinced that I was destined to be alone. Then I got married and I thought I had been proven wrong. Now I think it was never meant to be literal. But rather I would always feel alone.

So, do I save myself further pain and let go of this false hope. I’m sure they’ll all get along just fine.

Another thought. Is it simply coincidence that they drifted away after my mental issues were revealed, or is it cause and effect.

Oh well, I guess I’m left to continue to search for the plug of this gaping whole.

On a completely different note, the spam commenters are getting trickier. So I apologize if legitimate comments get marked as spam.

  1. Lil says:

    One of the things that sucked the most about being in my 20s was losing touch with people I thought would be my friends forever. Now (just turned 40), I have fewer friends but they are true friends, and I guess I don’t label them as “forever” because life does move us apart sometimes. I really understand these feelings…questioning whether mental illness made the friendship/s change.

  2. Friends is a hard thing. I suck at maintaining relationships, which is probably why I don’t have a social life. What I’d really like is to make some new friends, but I don’t know how to go about that.

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