Archive for September, 2009

I find it quite puzzling that I have not yet slipped into hypomania. I have been on increased Lexapro and majorly decreased Risperdal for quite some time now. Where is the hypomanic episode I have been expecting? Sometimes I feel like it could be creeping up, but sometimes I don’t know if it’s just the coffee and/or me being normal. My therapist says I don’t know what normal is. She’s right, and that’s the problem. I don’t know what’s actually problematic and what is normal that I just need to learn to tolerate. I mean, I know a healthy me is an optimistic and energetic me. So these moments that I’m having, are they me just being me, or is it a slow build to hypomania? Does it even matter? Maybe I really don’t have bipolar and all these years I’ve been lying to myself. That’s how it has turned out with the Borderline. I don’t know what to do with the past 3 years of my life if that is the case. The past 3 years have been so defined by the bipolar and borderline, that now may not even exist. What an absolute waste of 3 years!

On a slightly unrelated note, I really want to have a baby. Of course my husband and I are not anywhere near being financially stable enough to haveĀ  a kid right now, but I still want one. I read on facebook about my friends with their kids and little part of me yearns. But one thing that does motivate me to do. I need to get healthy. Mentally, physcially, emotionally and spiritually. I want to be healthy when I bring a child into this world. Whether or not I actually am bipolar, I KNOW I will always battle depression. But when I have a kid, I want to be on a plan that helps keep me stable, with a plan of what to do if I get depressed. I want to be able to love my child with smothering him/her. I don’t want to be distant or overbearing. So I need to learn how to handle my emotions concerning people I am close to. I also need to get my physical health under control. I’m finally going to make a doctor appointment and tell the doctor everything that’s bothering me. If he doesn’t pay attention, I’ll keep looking til I find a doctor that does.

All I know is I have not been living right, and it’s time for a change.

Speaking of change, I have decided to leave me email groups. I feel that I am now at a point in my life where they are no longer serving as a support. I’m trying to get control of me, and unfortunately that means I need to be a little selfish.

Now if only I could figure out how to make my husband happy.

God I Hate Having Ovaries

Posted: September 11, 2009 in pain, pms

Yes, dear readers, it is that time of the month. If you are one of those that is squeamish about TMI or would like your blog authors to be vague and mysterious, this is not the post for you.

I am seriously cramping. Which makes me very grumpy. And being on my period makes me grumpy. So now I’m twice as grumpy. And it’s Friday. Why would my period decide to come on a freakin Friday? What a bitch.

Well, I am taking this new birth control called Yaz. I decided to switch to Yaz because I’m pretty sure I could be a candidate for having PMDD. How does someone with bipolar figure out if she has PMDD. Quite simple. My moods go completely haywire before my period no matter how stable I am. Could it be just plain old PMS? Sure, but it can’t hurt to have some extra hormone balancing going on. Ok, it can hurt but I was taking birth control anyways.

Okay, Yaz is a bit different from other pills. For one, it only has four “off” pills instead of the typical seven. This, I’m sure, is how they guarantee shorter, lighter periods. Whether this is true remains to be seen, but a gal can help. It’s also supposed to ease cramps. Here’s what they don’t tell you. You will still get the cramps. And it is highly recommended you take no pain medication except Tylenol (maybe Aspirin, but this has not been confirmed). So, if you are one of those unfortunate few on whom Tylenol has no effect, your SOL. I am one of those few. Not for lack of trying. I have bought a bottle of Tylenol. Maybe after flushing my system free of ibuprofen I can actually effectively use Tylenol. Well, I took the Tylenol and am still cramping. And I have two more meetings today. And I have to go to the store to go shopping with a student.

Dear Lord shoot me now.

Well, it sounds as if the student in my office is finishing his survey, so I will end my tales here. If someone has any special cramp-healing powers, do let me know.

How Dull…

Posted: September 10, 2009 in advice, blogging

You know what? I have a rather boring blog page. I mean the layout is cool but there’s not much to do. With my ADD-like mind, I enjoy blog pages that provide plenty of distractions. I have my blog posts and an about me page. Bor-ing.

What should I add to this blog to make it more interesting? Any ideas?

Welcome to MindFuck Wednesday!

I guess I should start by recognizing that I have not blogged in a little bit of any substance. Nor have I read any blogs or emails. I’ve been a little self-centered lately. Not self-centered in a snobbish way, but in a self-focusing way. So I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting.

So I had a therapy appointment today.

Okay, back up. I see I have not kept you fearless readers in the loop. Backstory:

I was taking 10mg of Lexapro and 1/2mg of Risperdal. I wanted to increase my Lexapro to 20mg and replace the Risperdal with Seroquel. For one, the Risperdal wasn’t doing crap. And I couldn’t go to a higher dose without irritating side effects. Plus I was having trouble sleeping and I figured the Seroquel was a two in one deal. Well, the pdoc agreed that I should increase the Lexapro to 20mg and told me that I’ll pretty much be taking Lexapro for the rest of my life. However, he seems to think that it would be a great idea to wean me off the Risperdal and not replace it with anything. He thinks I should be just fine with just the Lexapro. I’m think, HELLO!? How do you put someone with bipolar disorder on just an antidepressant.

That brings us back to the therapy appointment today. At the end of the session we talked about diagnosis.

She thinks that it’s pretty much in the bag that I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder. And I’m thinking sure, why not. It’s not like I’ve ever been really sure. And I don’t experience the symptoms to the degree that most (according to my research) do. And I don’t have all the symptoms. So perhaps I have personality traits that are similar to those seen in Borderline Personality Disorder, but I do not actually have a personality disorder. I guess that makes sense since none of my friends or family think I have the disorder. So apparently I’ve been overdramatic about my problems and wrongly self-diagnosed. Does this mean I’ve lied to those few souls I’ve told? Have I lied to you, fearless readers? Have I lied to the people in my email groups? Do I now have to leave those groups since I don’t actually have BPD?

But oh, fearless readers, it doesn’t stop there. Apparently the reason the pdoc is not replacing the Risperdal, according to my therapist, is because he is moving away from the bipolar diagnosis.

Well fuck me! I have just lost 2 1/2 years worth of self reflection and exploration in a single appointment. Apparently, dear readers, I am an over-medicated, over-dramatic depressive with very labile moods and abandoment issues and black and white thinking, who self-injures.

I of course am not as likely to agree to this recent revelation on the part of my doctors. I will stand by the bipolar diagnosis until proven otherwise. So, now that I’m on an increased amount of antidepressant, and a drastically decreased amount of antimanic (not an actual medical term), we shall see if this triggers mania or hypomania (because, wouldn’t you know, it’s not actually determined if I have bipolar I or bipolar II).

So far I have had increased trouble sleeping, but I am tired. Now if I continue to have trouble sleeping and am not tired, that is when we begin to keep track.

But I’m prepared. I’ve given my boss emergency numbers, medication stats, and typical signs of my hypomania/mania. Now won’t this be a shot in the ass if I don’t need them and it turns out I’m really just a depressive?

Of course, maybe I’ve just been making it up all along!

Comfort Over Pain?

Posted: September 6, 2009 in cutting, feelings, hope

For the first time in a long time, I’m sad, but I don’t want to hurt myself. I want to be comforted, held, protected. I want someone to tell me it’s all right. I’m not angry at myself. I’m sad for the little girl. And I’m angry at those who hurt her. And I crave the comfort of soft arms to the comfort of a sharp blade.

Is this progress?

In a previous post I mentioned how reviewing the notes from a past psychiatrist made me realize that labels just aren’t that important. Who cares what diagnosis is on paper as long as I get better?

Again I question myself. Why do I care so much about the diagnosis?

Identity?

Certainly my basic reason for having the labels is that then I know myself. I have no idea who I am, though I’m discovering bits and pieces. Having correct diagnoses helps me figure out how my brain works. But I’ve discovered something. Identity is not the only thing causing me to cling to diagnoses.

Validity.

There it is! What a relief to hear my therapist say “I think you may have…” Finally something that explains my thoughts and feelings. Something that connects me to other people. I am not a freak, a weirdo. I am not alone. And I’m not imagining things. See if I don’t have bipolar or bpd or some other disorder, than I’m just crazy. Or worse, I’m a drama queen who overexaggerates her problems even though they are just like what everyone else experiences. It just means I’m a loser. That I’m a baby. That I’m a bad person. If I have these disorders, then they are illnesses that I can work to get better. My concerns are legitimate.

And that is why having a diagnosis is so important to me. That is why I pray for a doctor to finally tell me, yep we’re pretty sure you have bpd. Because if I don’t, I’m just a messed up person with a defunct personality. And I’m a hypochondriac. If I have bpd, well, it can be explained and it can be treated. I’m not a bad person, I’m just sick.

My current therapist isn’t sure I have a personality disorder. Most family and friends think I don’t. I’m pretty sure I do.

Please, don’t tell me I’m a bad person.