Archive for November, 2009

I think it rather obvious that it has been quite some time since I blogged. I have been flirting with the idea of just deleting this blog, but have decided against it. The thing is I don’t typically blog when I don’t feel bad, and quite frankly, I just haven’t had the time. But I suppose I can challenge myself to at least post something regularly. The way I feel now though, it will be less complaining on my part and more free writing I suppose. Kind of like the inner workings of Ari’s mind. Tis a scary place!

My apologies to all those blogs I typically read that I have all but abandoned. I do hope you are doing well. I just need to figure out how to subscribe to these blogs!

So what’s been going on with me? I have now won the battle with my pdoc to get the Seroquel. And finally I seem to have found some meds that work. My therapist and I have been discussing the idea of my possibly having ADD. Honestly, I think I’ve had it all through childhood. I just think no one ever noticed because I wasn’t disruptive and I pretty much kept to myself as a kid. It would make sense since I have often heard of Bipolar Disorder co-occuring with AD(H)D. Of course, since as long as my bipolar is under control I can typically focus at work, I’m not even going to consider medication right now. I already take too much as it is! I have also pretty much tossed out any consideration of BPD. I think at one point I had Borderline Personality Traits, but have found ways to effectively deal with those aspects of my personality. They typically come out when I’m depressed, so as long as I stay stable I’m cool. There’s also a little problem with some Restless Leg Syndrome that my therapist really wants me to do a sleep study, but I don’t have the money for it right now. I’m even considering not doing therapy anymore just because of the money. And then not see the pdoc as often. Because I’m pretty sure come January I once again have to meet the deductible, which is $200.

It’s really interesting how my mental health journey has gone. I went from a psychiatric hypochondriac to a cynic, to accepting. For a little while there I doubted whether I even had Bipolar Disorder. I even got to the point where I hoped I didn’t have bipolar, which is unusual for me. In the past I have tended to overidentify with my disorders. Now, I just accept me as me. The fact that the medication helps me pretty much proves the bipolar diagnosis. And the ADD, that really makes sense, whether or not I ever get an official diagnosis, which probably would be better for me if I didn’t at this point. I just have to know what my limits are. Know that I am typically going to be hyperactive and super talkative. And I will always have a tendency to blurt out words before thinking and the inability to sit in long meetings or presentations. I can now only read in short bursts. I will sometimes have a hard time focusing. And once in awhile I may face some anxiety. Although lately I have been hyperfocused, which is unusual for me. I think it’s that I have followed my therapists advice and do things as small tasks now. That keeps me from getting anxious or procrastinating. So kudos to her!

Life is pretty good right now, despite the financial stresses. I just keep hoping that universe will provide and I know no matter how hard it is, I’m where I’m supposed to be.