Archive for March, 2010

Current mood: bored
Why? I am at a speaker one of my student groups brought. One, I have attention issues so I don’t do well with speakers. Also, I don’t necessarily agree with the speaker. Scratch that. I point blank period do not agree with the speaker. But I have to be here. Setting a horrible example might I add, but I’m in a ftw mood.

Current mood: irritable
Idk why. There have been things to piss me off today, but for some reason I can’t shake it off.

So, Dr. A-hole: I sent him the report ADD guy wrote. He decided he doesn’t want to give me meds, but didn’t say why. So now I’m waiting to hear back from him to find out why he suggested I get tested, found I do hav adhd and then decides not to medicate me. Idiot. ADD guy told me to get the meds from my PCP. I’m looking for a new psychiatrist. I am now surrounded by people and totally uncomfortable so I will end this here and be forced into boredom.

:p

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Weekend Recap

Posted: March 28, 2010 in dreams, jealousy, marriage, relationships

So I’ve been a little MIA. The silence results from: I got mad at my husband Thursday night and didn’t want to talk about it. I stayed home sick Friday and ended up going on a 4 1/2 hour shopping trip with my husband. Yesterday I was tired and busy.

So, Thursday. Against my better judgment I went to work on Thursday. I was sore everywhere! I left work at 7:30pm. I was expecting my husband to be home and cooking dinner (Thursday is one of his days off). Instead as I’m walking out I get a phone call from my husband telling me he is in a town an hour away and wouldn’t be home until 9. I know my reaction was irrational. I was pissed. And I don’t know why I was so pissed right at that moment. I hung up with him and cried all the way home. I was still sore and exhausted. I ended up having to walk the dog, which was an uncomfortable experience. I didn’t eat anything except the salad I had at 5pm. I didn’t have the energy to make anything. He came home with a card for me, so how could I stay mad. Still, I don’t know how great that was. I can’t fathom that he would know what he did wrong since I don’t even know what he did wrong.

Friday I got supplies for my balcony garden and a humming bird feeder.

Yesterday I ended up having to work for an alumni event for one of my student groups and the biggest event of the year for another student group.

Here’s something else that’s been bothering me. I know I can be a jealous person. Most of my husband’s best friends are female. I knew that going into the relationship. I try really hard not to be jealous about it. But last night he got drunk dialed by one of his best friends at midnight, while we were going to sleep. And then proceeded to have a conversation with her! I don’t know what was more irritating. That he was having a conversation with his phone so loud I could hear her side of the conversation while we were going to bed. Or that he decided to have a full blown conversation with her at midnight and kept calling her “hun”. I like to think I don’t feel threatened by his friends. But then I think subconsciously I do because I had a dream a couple weeks ago that he cheated on me with one of his friends.

I don’t know what to do about this. How do people get over these issues? I mean I know the first step is not to act on it which I try not to do. But I just get so irritated with myself. But really I get more irritated with him. And I do not understand it.

Does anyone else experience these problems?

Current mood: I have no idea – I’m absolutely exhausted. I called into work and told them I was coming in at one. I’ve slept all morning and I’m still tired. My entire body is sore. And I’m really craving sweets.

Lol! My special cat got into my hubbies new recliner. Apparently there’s an opening in the back of the chair, but it’s way smaller than the cat. He is, indeed, very special.

Current mood: frustrated – I’ve been checking out the adhd websites I was given and most of the good articles are members only. That makes sense. You’re appealing to an impulsive audience, so make something they want now cost money = membership fee. Then I remember my husband saying that I overthink things and that I so too much research about my “disorders” (and yes I do imagine air qoutes when he says it), so I just stopped.

I saw my new therapist. Can’t really say much since it was a typical intake. She did say she wouldn’t label me as borderline when I told her about my history with that. When she asked why I was seeking therapy that was hard to answer. I never know what I want out of therapy. Well that’s not true. I want them to fix me, but u can’t tell a therapist that. I don’t think she really understood my identity issues. I also don’t know about her being a christian therapist…

This whole research thing has really thrown me. If my husband is calling them “disorders” maybe they’re not real? I don’t know me, maybe he knows me better. I’m trying not to over think. But then what am I left with? Maybe I should become a full time mindless television watcher and not have any thought for muyself…

Well everybody, here it is: I am ADHD positive.

I didn’t even have to ask ADD Guy for the proof of validity of the test. It was included in the report.

Validity of the Test: Apparently this test has been well studied to the point that they have a decent sample and are able to identify standard deviations (yes that is a statistical term). Basically, your results from the test aren’t based solely on how much you got wrong and how much you got right. Your results are actually compared to the data available about the “norms” of the test. So, a diagnosis stemming from this test is based on how much your results vary from the norm. If anyone is really interested the test is callled: Test of Variables of Attention (TOVA).

Ari’s TOVA results: This will deal with statistics, so sorry if it gets a little messy. The test is divided into 4 quarters. There is nothing distinguishing the quarters to the patient. Rather it comes out in the results of the test. Omission – not clicking when I should have – measures inattention. On quarter 2-4 I scored below the normal range (Norm= 85-115; Ari=72,61,72) indicating “increasing difficulties with attention and concentration during [boring] activity…and difficulties with attentiveness and concentration during a [stimulating] activity. Commission – clicking when I shouldn’t have – measures impulsivity. On quarters 3 &4 I scored below the norm (Norm=85-115; Ari=77,64) indicating “difficulties with impulsivity under [stimulating] conditions, and/or after 10-12 minutes on task.” Time Variability – how long I take to respond – measures performance consistency. In quarter 1 I fell outside the normal range (at 66) “suggesting difficulties with consistency of performance at the outset of a new or novel task.” This is all just a fancy way of saying: I can’t focus when things are boring (inattentive), I lose control when there’s too much going on (impulsivity, ie hyperactivity), and I have problems when I’m beginning a brand new project.

TOVA Score: A score of -1.80 or less suggests ADHD. Ari’s score: -2.48

Now for the Self-Report: As a child I had symptoms of ADHD inattentive type. Currently, I have symptoms of both ADHD inattentive type and ADHD hyperactive type. ADD Guy noted that my husband didn’t seem to recognize it. Although, after he had filled out his form and I had turned it in, he started thinking more about the answers. And he noted that I have a hard time even focusing on “fun” things. He used the example of how much I love scrapbooking, but sometimes I don’t have the attention span for it. Before this appointment he even said he was pretty sure I had ADHD.

Conclusion: “overall performance on the TOVA, findings from the Barkley ADHD Packet and the Clinical Interview provide consistent enough and significant enough information to warrant a DSM-IV diagnosis of ADHD – Combined Type.”

Recommendations: consult PCP [or psychiatrist] for medication; recommending Cocerta (Ritalin), Adderall, or Vyvanse

ADD Guy also gave me a list of resources for ADHD. I’m going to check them out and they may appear in the Resources section in the sidebar.

I called my husband and he asked how does that affect me in how I thought of myself. I told him we’d talk later tonight. He suggested that he thinks Depression and ADHD fits more than Bipolar and ADHD. That will be a question for my Brand New Therapist and Dr. A-Hole.

I see Brand New Therapist today. It’s intake. And now I have fancy paperwork for her too! So we’ll see how that goes.

As far as how this makes me think of myself, I’m not going to get into that yet. All I know is – even though I was expecting the diagnosis – when I got to my car I wanted to cry. And my focus is pretty much shot for the day but I’m staying at work because I have meetings I can’t miss.

Oh…life…

March 24, Morning Checkin

Posted: March 24, 2010 in ADD, mood chart

Mood: Tired

I see ADD Guy in an hour. I’m worried that I’m too tired to argue with him.

So…

I’ve been so incredibly busy that this is my first chance to write any kind of checkin.

Mood: exhausted – I’m too tired to be even really irritable. I’m basically just resigned. All I want to do is go home and rest. But I have two more hours of work, go home walk the dog, change, order food for one of my organizations, and go to a Sorority event. Then I get to go home and attempt to make dinner. And let’s not forget that the hubby forgot his lunch so I might have to take him some food. Jeezz!!!

I really just am too tired for emotion.

Oh, but have you seen the poll in the side bar. Thanks to the 3 people who have responded! I want to know if it’s worth getting a facebook and/or twitter.