Journalists or Sorority Rushes…Hmmm…

Posted: June 12, 2010 in agitation, alone, borderline personality disorder, boredom, frustration, work

“Are you journalists, or are you rushing a sorority?”

So was the questions posed by John Stewart on Wednesday’s “The Daily Show”. He was talking about how there could have been very deep probing questions after the debacle of what’s her name (the 80-something white house news correspondent who abruptly retired after putting her foot in her mouth). Instead, it seemed that every single news source was wondering who was going to take her seat in the FRONT ROW. Yes, instead of wondering about censorship, blind allyship, etc., reporters care more about who gets the FRONT ROW seat. And, as John Stewart so aptly put it, there’s really nothing that great about the FRONT ROW seat. In fact, that FRONT ROW is in a very tiny room. And the people in the FRONT ROW have not exactly been asking pungent questions as of late.

Now, I will gladly admit that I get all my news information from John Stewart these days, so my views and thoughts are completely biased. But, interesting nonetheless?

But onto less thinking-required topics. I am quite bored and quite lonely. My husband got promoted. Two hours away from where we live. We had less than a week to find a place to live and move. He’s there now as we thankfully found a place. I’m still here with the kiddos as I have to finish this last week of work. What it means though is that I’m sitting in the apartment with no method of leisure but the computer completely alone (except for the pets). And surfing the internet is not all that exciting. Of course there’s cleaning to be done, but a lot of it can’t be done until I can get someone to transport all the furniture we’re donating.

And on this lonely, boring Saturday night, I suddenly felt particularly distanced from my college friends. We were a pretty close group, and I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with any of them. I sent an email last week with updates and have so far gotten no replies. I sent another one today to tell them about the promotion, so we’ll see. I know, I know, don’t read too much into it. They all have busy lives. People drift apart, it’s natural. But man I didn’t want to lose these girls. I just feel like a million miles and a thousand years away from them. And of course none of them are as addicted to Facebook as I am.

I’m starting to wonder if I should wean myself off of my Facebook habit. Here’s the conflict: not only does Facebook take up time, but it’s a stress reliever. After a long day at work I can go work on my “farm”. Yes, I am one of those annoying Farmville people. And I understand people get sick of seeing those statuses. But guess what, I don’t always care about theirs! You know what I do? I ignore the damn statuses I don’t care about. Not to mention you can block applications and they won’t show up in your feed. I actually had an old professor (who is also facebook friends with me) message me and ask me to change my settings so that my Farmville status updates don’t show up to all my friends. Are you kidding me? Not to mention I could not find this “magic” setting. So I told her to just block the damn thing. I was so angry I seriously considered defriending her (borderline rage, anyone?). Even now the whole thing makes my blood boil. Grrr. I think it’s probably also because I go on facebook for these two aps, not even connecting anymore really, because none of my friends use it for that. In fact, if there was a way to play Farmville out of Facebook and still get all the privileges, I’d do it in a minute. But the problem is that the thing that makes it worth playing is the bonuses you get from other people’s statuses!

Wow, I had no idea this was going to turn into a rant about Farmville, of all things. That is so lame. I apologize, if you’ve even continued reading.

But I do feel rather glum right now. A mixture of everything really. And I haven’t slept well the past couple of nights. And the Seroquel doesn’t even really make me drowsy anymore. So I can’t sleep through this boredom.

Please, just let it be Friday.

But Howie Day’s “Collide” just came on Pandora. Perhaps things are looking up?

  1. I can relate to the addiction to computer-related stuff. I deleted solitaire and minesweeper from my PC because they were sucking up too much of my time.

  2. shiloh says:

    Hi, we don’t know each other, but I just read your post and feel you clearly about the old friends and growing apart, or seeming to be that way.
    Then I got to your college prof making that arrogant (narcissistic :)) sounding request. I would love to ask this question of you if you would be so kind to response whenever. You got angry at her request. I got it and I would be too. But why is it ‘borderline’ rage to think of wanting to defriend her? Is it that that thought is considered ‘too’ extreme in that context?

    I guess I am trying to understand the distinction between having a seriously pissed off thought, even extreme, acknowledging it and either acting upon it or not. What she did is pretty extreme-as in extremely arrogant imnsho……..Wouldn’t most anyone get p o ‘d about this? Now acting on it I can see may take it to another level. I suppose I think if it happened to me, and believe me I’d want to block her, or think it for awhile anyway, but I know the so called ‘correct’ thing to do is run it by her and check it out. Still is it really borderline to have these reactions?

    Obviously I am struggling with myself here and maybe wanting to rationalize my righteous anger. Would you/could you enlighten me if you find a moment?

    I really like your blog. Well done! And man did I obviously resonate with it! LOL, leaving FB, solitaire, etc……onto hopping onto blogger’s posts with intensity……..oh well.

    • arifaery says:

      Hi Shiloh, thanks for stopping by. To answer your question, it may not have been a “borderline” thing. I guess with me I’m so used to being told I overreact to things that I just assume when I get that angry over something little I think I’m overreacting. As far as using the term “borderline”, I might have used it a bit flippantly. I’ve struggled over the past couple of years over whether or not I have BPD. I went from being diagnosed with it, to being undiagnosed, to being told I can’t have it because I am too “self aware”, to ignoring it, to being told once again that I do have traits that signify BPD. So…you could say I am also struggling with myself. So the short answer is: I don’t know. (Don’t you just hate that?)

      But I’m glad you like my blog and I hope you continue to read it. I haven’t been so great at posting lately, but comments like this are almost sure to prompt a new post. 😀

  3. shiloh says:

    Hi Airefairy, thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I was tied up for the last few days not able to check email and was so glad to read what you wrote. Me too~~~the being told I was, wasn’t, etc…and saw my psych doc today-I see him therapeutically as well as for meds-and a therapist too, but asked him about the BPD deal w/me. Have been seeing him for 5 years. He said no, and my therapist says no.

    Still, I do have intense thoughts and feeling, I feel pain sometimes so badly it seems it will kill me. I struggle with awful depression and moderate anxiety. He has been treating me with PTSD and depression for these 5 years and yet we don’t talk much about the feeling levels alot. He says that I was in shock/trauma/depression so much for most of my life that the reason my feelings ‘feel’ extreme and are, really, is b/c I was numb the first half of my life. Which was true.

    So when I read your post I was grateful to know that someone else struggles a bit with wondering what ‘normal’ is. I have always assumed I am abnormal LOL for so long that have been in a trance sort of.

    I have extreme feelings/thoughts when I am betrayed, or dismissed in a negative way, hurt, bullied. Where it seems like others can brush that stuff off. I will analyze my reaction, their possible motives for being mean or whatever to me. But I also studied Buddhism for 10 years in the early 90’s, late 80’s and learned that a thought is simply a thought-just allow it to arise nonjudgmentally and let it go. It has taken me so long as I have trouble ‘letting’ anything go. However I’ve also learned that when I pay attention to my reactions, if I am really conscious and introspective with these thoughts, take them-the reactions-to therapy, they have led to new understandings, hence new behaviors as well.

    My psychiatrist says that undiagnosed PTSD is frequently confused with BPD and that the symptoms need to be really understood by the diagnostian and that is best done w/in a therapeutic context that is relatively long standing. He says PTSD mimics alot of the same symptoms of BPD.

    Funny how I used to dread the BPD diagnosis, wanting to fight being labeled at all. But now I don’t care, now that he told me I wasn’t. LOL. I am clear about what was done to me to place me in psych care/treatment in the first place. And it wasn’t good, normal, ethical, moral, kind either. And being clear about what was done and feeling the Entire range of feelings surrounding this has been very healing. Not getting bogged down in my ‘labels’. Don’t know if this makes a bit of sense.

    But I do know you helped me clarify. And I think I may be moving towards so called ‘normal’ emotions, thoughts, reactions w/out worrying if my ‘diagnosed disease’ state is getting worse or better.

    OK, dear Arie, I am going to stop while I (think) am ahead. Not sure at all I am making sense, as this stuff in detail is hard for me to articulate. However, I am enjoying your blog and well done writing. Hope you continue-to write and heal in all areas of your life.

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