MIA – Missing In Attention

Posted: May 23, 2010 in ADD, anxiety, attention, bipolar disorder, blogging, chores, diagnosis, family, hypomania, life, magazine, medication, mental illness, psychiatrist, work, Zine

I feel like I’ve been MIA for a bit.

My ability to focus had been shot. Well, I can do short stints of chores, but I can’t do things like read, or write, or watch TV even. Kind of a pain really. It may be some kind of hypomanic thing. I’ve had trouble sleeping the past couple days but was fine when I woke up (on a few hours of sleep). But then again I did take naps today and yesterday. Has anyone else experienced hypomania but still sometimes need to take naps?

Thursday and Friday I stayed home sick from work. I was feeling feverish. I think two things were happening. I think my meds are messing with my body temperature. I’m getting night sweats (which apparently can be caused by antidepressants) and hot flashes during the day. These were even before the 90 degree weather hit. Although I think part of the night sweats is this: I sleep under the comforter, sweat, and then I’m freezing so I snuggle deeper and the cycle starts over. It may also have to do with the fact that the dog sleeps at my feet. Thank goodness my husband doesn’t mind, cuz if we had to change the sheets every morning, we’d need a set for every day of the week. The other thing about being sick was I had a lot of anxiety from the training. I was really anxious on Monday. Was okay Tuesday but ended up leaving pissed off. And then Wednesday I brought up examples of elitism in our department and that almost gave me a panic attack. I had a feeling the higher ups wouldn’t like it, but those who were not so high up seem to be very glad that I said it. Apparently everyone else felt the same way, but I was the only one with the balls to say something. I think I’ve gotten so disenheartened by the school that I’ll go ahead and put my ass on the line. The training, I have mixed feelings. On one hand I think it was good and I really got to know the other side of certain people. On the other hand, a) I doubt anything is going to come of this, and b) I hate it when people sit in a room and talk about social justice but then don’t actually live it. Drives me crazy (pardon me for the word use). I’m not saying I’m perfect all the time. I have my moments, but at least it’s a guiding principal in my life.

I have a psychiatry appointment tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it because I think we might settle on prescriptions. Although we might not since I haven’t had any real consistency in my reaction to the meds. I’m too the point now that the seroquel doesn’t put me to sleep really. That could be the Strattera since it causes insomnia, but that would be weird since it made me drowsy before. I may actually be hypomanic and that’s complicating things. Or my body may just be completely confused and is refusing to react consistently to medications. Tomorrow morning I think I’ll go through this blog and look at how things have been since the med changes.

I think my sister might be bipolar. I’ve been thinking for a while everything stems from her borderline asberger’s syndrome. However, she really does get incredibly irate for no reason, or she’ll be super excited and talk really loud. And when she was younger she tried to jump off the balcony on numerous occassions and even tried to jump out of the car while it was moving. I’m no psychiatrist, but I wish she would see someone who can seriously analyze her behavior. She was seeing a therapist but that person was an idiot. They just took everything my sister said at face value, without digging deeper. Basically my sister remembers things that just didn’t happen. Some of it is legit, but some of it I think is an unconscious attempt to make sense of all her psychological issues. Me, my brother, and my sister all have them. I just don’t know if they’re all diagnosable. But it does run in both sides of our family (mental illness I mean).

You know this was supposed to just be a check in as I didn’t think I felt like blogging, but look what happened! I guess I had more to say than I realized. For those of you whose blogs I follow, I apologize for not reading them lately. I will follow again when my mind is a little unsettled. But until then, do know that I hope all is well with you.

Well, I should attempt to go to bed. So, good night all.

Oh one more thing. It’s been a while since I started the zine, and I have heard some interest but have gotten no emails. If you have a poem, essay, blog post, song, video, art, etc. about mental illness and/or identity that you would like featured in a zine (online magazine) send them to me at arifaery@gmail.com.

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