I need a serious VACATION

Posted: May 17, 2010 in ADD, agitation, anxiety, attention, bad day, disability, frustration, medication, pms, stress, work

Lately it is not very often that I feel like a crazy person. However, today I feel like a crazy person.

I gave a good effort. I’ve been grumpy all weekend. And this morning it was pouring and I kept putting off taking the dog out to see if there would be a break in the rain. I eventually gave up because he was waiting patiently and I had to get to work. Oh yeah, and guess who was singing at 3 in the morning again? Those damn birds.

I get into work and I attempt to be productive. I gave a valiant effort. I had a pile of readings for training this week. I got through all but one–with highlights even. And I worked on this questionaire we were supposed to do. That’s about all I got done. It was the first day my coworker and I were at work on the same day in a week. Plus the boss was out, which usually means a good mood for us. However the upcoming training has made us rather grumpy and stressed out. But more on that later. Anyway, we went to lunch and ever since I came back I’ve been really blah. Part of it has to do with my being sick from lunch. I’ve gotten this sandwich before and I don;t remember it bothering me. But apparently the sauce had vinegar in it, and vinegar is a no-no for GERD. So my mouth feels like I’m getting multiple ulcers. And then on top of that I had a brownie sundae cuz I was craving chocolate. Yeah, my stomach didn’t like that. It was doing too great yesterday, and I guess it revolted against the crap I was putting in it. So it’s going to be a rather bland dinner tonight.

I also feel very anxious. I think that’s how to describe this feeling. I feel like I’m floating just above my actual body. I’m shaky and I was having hot flashes. I couldn’t focus and I must have looked quite “special” with my attempts to box my packages at the post office. I was also hypersensitive to the radio in my car. I had to lower it way down because the bass was bother me. And I feel like there’s this electric current running through my body and I want to scare my skin off. And my asthma’s a little sensitive. I’ve gone through this before, and I’m pretty damn sure it’s an anxiety attack. Which is not the same as a panic attack. My panic attacks result in me becoming a sobbing mess, hyperventilation, tilting walls, and after it passes I’m absolutely useless. This is general anxiety. I’ve been thinking I probably need some kind of anti-anxiety something, but I already take so many pills.

So why so anxious? It could be as simple as pms, though it’s hitting a little early. The other thing: this training. It starts tomorrow and it goes all day. Then it’s half days on Wednesday and Thursday. It’s a social justice training, which i’ve been through a million times. For gods’ sakes I’ve facilitated them. And then on top of that I’m a group leader on Thursday. Thanks for volunteering me without asking planning committee. Part of me is nervous because I know I’m going to be bored. And when I get bored I get anxious. And for some reason the effectiveness of the Straterra only lasted those two days last week. The other thing is, I don’t really see my department as a safe place. I don’t want to “come out” so to speak about various issues. But I’m afraid that I’m going to out myself because of the issues I care about. That we’ll talk about race and culture is a given. That’s we’ll talk about gender, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic statues is obvious. That we’ll talk about religion and physical ability is a strong possibility. However, there is no guarantee that we’ll talk about the oft ignored population to which I am a recent member – invisible disabilities. I want to bring it up because I think it is important, especially working with students. But I do not want to discuss my own issues. Don’t get me wrong, I love to talk about myself. But I don’t trust most of these people. And I know at least one member of the leadership team does not believe in psychological disorders. The people who are facilitating have been here before, and there’s one exercise I’m concerned about. We’re supposed to go around and identify our place in each of the “big 8” identities: race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, class, ability, age, and language I think. If I admit that I have a disability (ha! I have several) there are going to be certain assumptions as I do not use a wheel chair, I am not severely visually impaired, and if anything my hearing is too sensitive. But if I don’t identify as such than I risk that perspective not being represented. It’s quite a dilemma and it’s stressing me out. That and sitting in a room while people talk at me for 8 hours. I’m going to have to try to sit by the door so I can sneak out if I get an anxiety attack.

On top of all that my Raynaud’s is acting up again, even though I’ve been taking the medication regularly. My hands are hurting again and today my fingers got extremely numb, to the point that they were turning purple. I think it’s the stress. I know the blood vessels constrict even more when I’m stressed out. That and I’m getting bumps on my arms and back that my coworker is also experiencing. She says they’re a type of hives that you can get when your stressed out. She’s been getting them for about a month. Talk about the power of suggestion! Part of the stress is also that I have no idea where I’m going to be in two months. I try not to think about it, but it’s hard when part of your job is to plan the next year.

I think I’m going to text my coworker/friend and try to talk out this anxiety thing about tomorrow. Though do already feel better from blogging.

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