A Thunderstorm I Can’t Enjoy

I’ve taken my Seroquel but I can’t sleep. It sucks how life has this uncanny way of just when things are going great, it pulls the rug right under me. You caught me off guard again life. 10 points to you.

This afternoon today was one of the best days I’d had in a while. I felt like I could actually see the results of the Stratera. I was super focused all day. I was always working during work with no distractions. I came home and did laundry, made dinner, and made the bed. I either had a strange manifestation of hypomania or the the Strattera was kicking in.

And them WHAM! it’s all taken away.

I went on facebook to find that my brother had posted a status update about a family member being in the hospital. I immediately called my dad to find out what was going on. He just called me back about an hour ago to tell me that everything was okay and to apologize that I had to find out through facebook. And that he was pissed at my brother. He said something to the effect of I better hope my brother is alive when he gets through with him. And now my brother is going to be punished for asking for prayers from his facebook friends. That’s a great way to get my brother back to church dad. (note the sarcasm). I sent my brother an urgent message telling him to delete the status update and when my dad starts yelling for god’s sake don’t argue. It’s the only thing I can do to try to protect him, and that kills me. Because I have no way of knowing if he gets it in time.

This isolated incident may seem rather minor on it’s own. But it becomes much larger when you understand the history. My siblings and I have grown up in a home of abuse. There I said it. It’s the first time I’ve said it. While I got most of the mental and emotional abuse, my brother really got it bad from the physical side. And I used to sit in my room crying because I could hear the abuse and my brother’s crying and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. And now all those feelings are coming back. I’m trying to protect my brother through sheer will.

I’m not sure if my father thinks my brother is made of stone or shit. He hasn’t been physical (that I know of) for quite some time. But he, other family members, and years of bullying have already taken their toll on my brother. So that now I never know what’s gonna break him. My father doles it out, but I’m the one that has to pick up the pieces. I’m the one that had to bring him back inside when he packed his suitcase and tried to run away. I’m the one that has to have the difficult conversations with him about why my dad doesn’t love him. And I’m the one that is slowly losing my brother because he is increasingly withdrawing from all things family related.

It’s storming outside. I love thunderstorms. This is the best display of lightning we’ve seen all year, and I can’t even enjoy it. The weather outside seems to be mirroring my life at the moment. I used to dream about tornadoes when life was especially tumultuous. I still dream about them once in a while when there’s some kind of conflict in my life. This thunderstorm is like my dreams manifest, serving as a perfect backdrop to how I feel.

I can’t sleep. I’m afraid to sleep. Afraid that I’ll have that dream again when a loved one dies. And this time it will be my brother.