I have caught up on my blog reading (which means most recent posts because doing a full catch up would take days) and have left comments where appropriate. However, I am left a little confused and a little sad. At least one blogger has stopped blogging, and has done so at a time when things seemed especially difficult, so I hope she is doing okay. I think 3 blogs are now private and I can’t get in. So, if you read my blog and I have yours listed, and your blog is private, and I didn’t leave a comment on your most recent post, I probably don’t have access. If you would like me to read, I would love to. If not, well, I’d like to know that too. My feelings won’t be hurt.

Spliit, the BPD lifestyle blog, has ended. Rather abruptly might I add, with apparently no reason. So, unless this is a very late, very cruel April Fool’s joke, or some kind of technical difficulty, we’re all just kind of left with no real closure. And yes, I need closure when one of the blogs I read ends, even if I do read it infrequently.

This whole thing makes me rethink creating a Zine. I know I got one person who was interested in posting to it, and that might be enough to get it started. Honestly I think the idea came out of my drawn out mania, but I do really want to give it a try. And now that school is almost over, my evenings and weekends are free again, which would give me more time. If I really look at myself, I think behind the drug-induced drowsiness I am still manic. Hard to tell with side effects messing with your body. But I do really want to do that magazine. Someone hold me to it?

I think I might cancel my current twitter account and create one attached to my blog. Cause I don’t post to my twitter because, quite frankly, I don’t want the people who follow that account to know my every thought. That is not true of you, dear readers. Kind of a backwards display of trust, eh? I guess there’s something to be said for vague anonymity.

I don’t know if I really went into detail about my last psychiatry appointment. So the situation going into that appointment: I had on Sunday (last Sunday) decided that I would screw psychiatry. This came out of a conversation with my father. See, he doesn’t think I’m bipolar, or have any psychiatric condition. He thinks this all stems from the fact that I have let my empathic ability get out of control. Yes, you read that correctly. Despite his deep Catholicism, or perhaps because of it, my father strongly believes in psychic abilities. He was the one who told me I am an empath, and it made so much sense. To an extent I agree with him. I closed off my abilities. But I am such a receptor that I didn’t close them off completely. I just pushed them to the subconscious. So, my father’s theory is that as I got older I stopped believing in my abilities, because they don’t make scientific sense, and now am using drugs to deal with what is really a spiritual problem. I can see his point. I did close off. And ever since I’ve done that I have become increasingly selfish, uncaring, and closed-off. So I do want to reopen those abilities (and the others that come along with it). He said if I wanted to do that I would have to do it all the way. I thought that meant stopping my medication.

So I went into my appointment fully intending to tell the psychiatrist that I wanted to safely come off my meds, and I left with a med change, an increased dosage, and an additional med. Yes, that would be a WTF situation. The doctor made sense. I did try to tell him about the convo with my dad but he didn’t get it. But my appointment was an hour. A whole hour with a psychiatrist! And he listened! And he knew what every single issue I have was (including the Raynaud’s which no one seems to have heard of). I told him my symptoms. And he really believes that I need these meds. Funny thing? I told him about the fact that I don’t have the textbook symptoms of bipolar disorder. He said I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. And we’ve come full circle. However, that is not a diagnosis. And he said that instead of worrying about diagnoses I should deal with the “symptom cluster”. Alleluia! That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do! Maybe I can actually achieve that with a competent psychiatrist.

So anyway, now I’m wondering if I can open my abilities AND take medication. It’s something I’ve been meaning to pray/meditate on. But the side effects of these drugs make it impossible to do anything that requires mental exercise. Or physical exercise for that matter. We’ll see what comes of this.

I was going to talk about values (my homework assignment), but this post is already too long. Maybe tomorrow? My alter ego says “yeah right”, but perhaps I can prove him wrong.

  1. sarah says:

    I found this post very interesting (I found your blog by the way by giving Lil an award and saw she gave one to you, thought I’d check out your blog). I also shut of my, what I call my awareness, not all the time but just went it is overwhelming. I have a very close friend who used to not believe in any of that psychic stuff, but now I have said too many things to her about her and things that I see when she is with me, that now she often ask me for help in that area. I do sometimes see stuff when I accidentally touch someone, for example, exchanging money and your fingers touch. Some of those things are horrible and some are just what they are. I can’t tell my psychiatrist these things because he would think I wasy manically psychotic. My husband’s best friend often asks me for help and it’s funny, after the last reading I did for him (got I hate that word – reading) he was so surprised by what I told him, it was about a secret he was keeping and he said I was so spot on that when he could tell the secret, he keeps on coming around now for me tell him whatever, lol! I don’t let it open up too much now but when I do it’s like wow, I love it but it can be very tiring. Often I have it switched off, so I can live my life without the constant images and interruptions. I’m sorry if I’ve written too much! I like you blog by the way 🙂
    Sarah xx

    • arifaery says:

      No need to worry about the long comment. If I’m not none for my novel-length comments on other blogs, well, I should be. I’m so glad to hear from someone who has had this experience. And you are so right about not being able to tell the psychiatrist. And most people would think I’m crazy anyway! Thanks for coming to check out my blog. Time for me to skip over to yours!

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