My last post must have been written by a two-year-old! I’d like to say that the post is not indicative of how I typically handle things, but it kind of is. I apologize for any of you that actually suffered through reading it. I would just scrap the post, but I think it’s important as a record of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I’ll make it private? Maybe not. Maybe some of you, dear readers, will find it helpful.

So, here’s what happened with all of that. I decided to skip the Seroquel and take some Nyquil. Several hours later: it was 2:30am and I still hadn’t gone to sleep. So I bit the bullet and took the Seroquel. Ah, sleep. What does this mean? I don’t know. That I’m reliant on Seroquel? Probably. Even though I’ve been told that Seroquel is not addictive. But my body tends to take words like “can’t” and “never” as challenges. It’s not too horrible if I’m dependent on it, seeing as I’ll probably be taking it for the rest of my life. But what does this mean? I guess I’ll never know if I really do have bipolar disorder.

But last night’s tantrum did have a tiny diamond. I have been far too caught up in mental diagnosis. Who cares? I know that if I don’t take the Lexapro I get majorly depressed. I know if I don’t take Seroquel I don’t sleep and become an absolute mess the next day. I know if my life is not stable and on a routine, I freak out. I know I get panic attacks. I know I have a hard time sitting still. I know I find it difficult to focus on one thing at a time. I know that on rare occasions I am super focused. I know I hate being alone, but I hate being smothered. I know I’m usually too tired to do many things. I know I can’t deal with conflict very well. I know I can snap at people over little things. I know sometimes I feel like I’m out of my body. I know that I never know what my day is going to be like when I wake up. I know very few people understand me all the time. I know that I am utterly lost as to my purpose and direction in life.

Knowing all that, does it really matter if they slap a label on it? I know I don’t know who I am. And quite frankly, chasing after diagnoses hasn’t helped me figure that out. So why don’t I just stop?

Much to think about.

As far as the ADD test I took yesterday: I seriously doubt the validity. Basically I had to sit in front of a computer and watch this flashing box. It was gray with a small black box inside it. I was given a clicker. If the black box inside the gray box was on top, I was supposed to click. If it was on the bottom, I wasn’t supposed to click. The box flashed randomly with no pattern (believe me I tried to find one!). This went on for…drumroll please…20 minutes! 20 freakin minutes! Anybody taking that test would be ADD. Who can sit and stare at a flashing box for 20 minutes? There was no music and it was totally monochromatic. I left that appointment so very, very grumpy. It completely ruined my day. So I will have words with the ADD Guy at our next appointment.

Therapy: sigh. I think I need to see someone. My husband last night said–among other things–that I run to a therapist any time I think something might be wrong. He wouldn’t go to a therapist unless something was seriously going on. So I’m like, does that mean I shouldn’t see a therapist. Here’s the problem. I am an external processor. If I don’t say what’s on my mind, my thoughts will keep spinning in circles until I can’t separate one from the others. So is it worth $15 to talk with someone for an hour to help me straighten out my thoughts? I think so. Of course, I’m having quite the time finding a therapist. I feel like God is trying to tell me something.

Hello, God? Are you there? It’s me, Ari.

Damn, I got the answering machine. And S/He never returns my messages.

So for now I shall continue to wander, and attempt to find myself.

Continually Fighting Labels.

Wow, that sounded like a cheesy last line of a movie or book. LOL!

  1. awhimsicalsoul says:

    Witty sense of humor you have there. And is that really what they make you do for ADD testing? That sounds like a test to see how you bored you really are

    • arifaery says:

      Haha, thanks. And yes, that was seriously the ADD test. I can’t wait to see what ADD guy says next week!

  2. Lil says:

    It’s good to read how much you KNOW – I think that’s more important than what we DON’T know. The ADD test sounds like enough to make anyone flip out.

  3. 00g0 says:

    Ask the ADD doctor for another type of test. It will probably be worse lol I think this country needs a new medical community of people who are actually sick, maybe then the doctors could relate with their patients and actually understand what they are going through.

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