And no I’m not talking about my likely destination in the afterlife.

I got–hmm–maybe a total of 3 hours of sleep last night. And that was all interrupted. I think the longest time I went was a 1/2 hour of sleep.

Funny enough is that I had thought I had grown resistant to the Seroquel. It takes about an hour to fall asleep after taking it (used to be 15 minutes tops!). And of course no hungover feeling in the morning.

Well, Seroquel just had to go and prove me wrong. I took my last pill on Saturday and my lazy ass didn’t get a refill yesterday. I’m thinking, no biggie. Wrong. Either I have redeveloped my dependency on Seroquel, or my bipolar switch happens so fast that if I don’t take Seroquel by 9pm, I’m hypomanic (not bloody likely.) Needless to say I’m heading straight to the pharmacy after work.

Usually a sleepless night is enough to switch me into hypomania or mixed episode (who cares what the DSM says. DSM-V is redefining mixed episode as exhibiting either manic or hypomanic state + depression, or vice-versa). I’m actually doing relatively well, all things considered. I mean my focus is pretty much shot. I was able to concentrate on tasky stuff earlier in the day. But now I’m supposed to write letters of recommendation for my students, and I just can’t bring myself to start them. I’m thinking one more day won’t be too bad, and perhaps I will be able to focus after a full night’s sleep.

But aside from the likely hypomania I’m experiencing, I feel like hell. Hence the title of this post. My head hurts, my IBS (which hasn’t been confirmed but we’ll say I have it) has decided to flare up. ***Warning: mention of bodily functions*** I am so gassy and can’t use the bathroom for the life of me. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut! ***End Warning***

I was shaky earlier today but that stopped. My back is having throbbing pains. Psychosomatic, possibly. But my body does tend to go haywire when I don’t sleep. Which is why as tempting as forcing hypomania may sound at times, I’m not likely to do it. The excess energy is just not a big enough plus for the minuses of anxiety and bodily blahness.

I really just want to go home and sit in front of my tv watching HGTV. I can’t even eat I feel so god awful. Logically I should tell my supervisor that I need to go home, however I’ve been out sick quite frequently and am not quite sure I have very many hours left. It sucks having so many medical problems. So instead I will sit here and stare at my computer screen for the next 2 hours. Ugh, two hours seems like such a long time.

Note: expect this post to continue as I’m trying to fill up time and if I stop typing I may go crazy.

This morning was my appointment with the ADHD specialist. From a preliminary and non-professional perspective, I think it’s in the bag that I am ADHD positive and will need to go on even MORE meds. (ADHD positive sounds so dramatic, doesn’t it?)

Anyway the therapist gave me all these forms to fill out. That was actually quite fun as it was in survey format and I love taking psychological tests as it is. I was also supposed to get forms to have my parents fill out to get their perspective on how I was as a child, as it relates to ADHD. I told the therapist quite bluntly that it probably wouldn’t do a whole lot of good. My father is still in denial about my Bipolar (which I’ve now had for 3 years, though is getting better. He understands the depression at least). And my mother…well, she’s kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. I mean, she did scoff when I told her about my father explaining the diagnosis as being some sort of spiritual disease; but I’m not sure if it was for my sake or if it was just because she generally thinks my father is a complete idiot. Either way I’m not sure how accurate her memory of me would be. She was quite preoccupied getting her own life together and trying to keep her sanity with my demon brother and sister. (Please note, I love my siblings dearly and would do anything in the world for them. However, they were awful when they were younger). So anyway the therapist made the grand decision to just skip those forms.

What will be interesting is that my husband has to fill out a form. This shall be enlightening indeed. Do I really want to know what my husband thinks of me? It’s like all his frustrations with me get to come out in a two-page form. Intense. Perhaps I should be in a different room when he fills it out. I also want to see if his perspective matches my perspective, or if it’s completely different. I mean, it’s quite possible that I am over-exaggerating the entire thing. All these symptoms I feel may just be this simple formula: Bipolar + Anxiety = Hot Ass Mess. Let’s not forget to throw in the curve ball of Borderline Personality Disorder, which I may or may not have.

Jeez I’m a mess. They should make a new diagnosis for me: Ariana Personality Disorder. Characterized

I just wanted to take this moment to express the joy that I have just sent out the contract that has been plaguing me for 4 weeks. Sure my student worker hates me cuz she has to fax a 16 page document, but she’ll survive.

But yes, Ariana Personality Disorder. Characterized by complete dysfunctionality in patient’s attempt to go through life. Patient may exhibit extreme in-persistence in mood, switching from anger, to depression, to (hypo)mania in as little as a minute and as much as a week. Patient is likely to present with many physical illnesses, which may or may not be psychosomatic in nature. Anxiety is likely to exist at all mood states. Patient may present with ADHD symptoms. There is likely to be a measure of hypochondria, especially concerning psychological disorders.

Differential Diagnosis: Ariana Personality Disorder may disguise itself as any diagnosis within the DSM. However, a patient with APD likely does not fit the textbook definition of any DSM diagnosis.

Note: If patient has a history of being diagnosed, only to have the diagnosis retracted, the patient likely suffers from APD.

Prognosis: No cure is known for Ariana Personality Disorder. Psychiatrists are encouraged to try various cocktails of medication until something works. Throw in some placebos as well. Patients with APD are known to not follow through with a therapeutic regimen, and are especially skeptic of DBT. If therapist/psychiatrist does not go along with a patients ideas, that clinician is likely to be rejected. To prevent acting-out, clinician is encouraged to humor the patient. Remember, the patient with APD is likely to drive themselves into a state of absolute insanity, so eventually they will be off your hands.

There. I have my own disorder. Do any of you, dear readers, feel that you suffer from Ariana Personality Disorder? Or perhaps you have a non-DSM diagnosis of your own? If my description of Ariana Personality Disorder is not descriptive enough, let me know. Perhaps I’ll make a page to describe the disorder. Hell, maybe I’ll do it anyway!

I only have a 1/2 hour left of work. Do you like the positive spin I put on that? Then I’m going home and vegging. Screw the dishes. Screw the husband’s dinner. He can have leftovers. I will eat…my foot. Hey, sounds about as appetizing as anything else right now. Maybe I’ll have a bag of popcorn, which has been my diet for the past few days. My husband says its unhealthy. I say at least I’m getting calorie intake.

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