Oh Nat King Cole, how I wish it were so.

I am beginning to realize that I am quite the forgettable person. This shouldn’t be as dramatic as it is. But you see, I’ve always wanted to be a celebrity.  I don’t care for what. I just want to be known. To have some sort of legacy. I need some proof that I existed to survive my death. It’s funny because I actually have gotten a number of prestigious awards, but I feel like after I graduated, they all disappeared. I like to think I don’t need acknowledgment for the things I do. But the truth is I am extrinsically motivated. I have little internal will power. It’s all about how I affect the outside world. So I crave recognition and awards. But don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be awarded for nothing. I just want my work to be worth something. This issue comes up at the end of every academic year. It’s award time and I always hold my breath to see if I get anything. Of course, I don’t get something more often than I do. I don’t know if I just am not good enough, or if I surround myself with the non-nominating type. Because let’s face it, an award I apply for myself is worthless. It only means something if someone else has recognized me.

But more important than  being forgettable, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m even likable. I just seem so easily ignored sometimes. Is it because I’m depressed so much? Is it because I talk a whole lot? Is it because I’m weird? Odd? A bit eccentric? There have been times that I’ve shared a part of myself only to get burned. Like recently I have learned an important lesson: even in a supposedly extremely open-minded group, don’t mention that you believe in faeries. Which is a pity really. I think people would be themselves up less if they realized that often when they “misplace” or “lose” something, it’s likely that a faery has moved it. But that’s beside the point. The point is, how many times do I have to get burned before I stop sharing parts of myself. I’m sure life would be much easier if I just kept many things about me under lock and key. Everyone likes a little mystery. The problem is I’m totally an open book, and I don’t think anything is going to change that, short a lobotomy. Why? Maybe I seek validation. Maybe I’m hoping others will learn from my experiences. Maybe I want to encourage others to share a bit of themselves. Maybe I just can’t keep my mouth shut. Or maybe I just want to be able to have a goddamn real conversation with a real person! (sorry if I’ve offended you. I’ve spoken to god and (s)he doesn’t really care how we use the word “god”.)

But anyway. Enough about my forgetability and unlikability. (I think I just created two new words!) I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist to get an AD(H)D screening. The nurse asked all kinds of questions before making the appointment. I know it’s really so they can gather as much background information about you as possible, but they seemed really patronizing and like questions to weed out the real ADHDs and the fake ones. Which of course put me on edge, because I always wonder if I actually have all these issues or if I’m just a really convincing hypochondriac.

I suppose I should take this time to make a quick aside. I’ve decided that I will indeed used Dx’s as identities (such as: ADHDs, Bipolars, Depressives). I think it’s a bit snarky and sarcastic which really fits my personality and my current mood. Also, it’s just a whole lot easier to type than “someone who suffers from [insert disorder here]”. I totally acknowledge that it is a completely politically incorrect way to describe people.

Now that that’s taken care of. I really just want to go into the doctor’s office and say “this is probably a waste of time. I’m probably just imagining it all. Or there is probably some lame-ass excuse for the symptoms. Like my medications or too much caffeine before bedtime.” But I won’t. Because I really want to know if I have ADHD. I need an excuse reason for all my more frustrating behaviors. When I was younger I just daydreamed a lot and was super forgetful. As I get older the “symptoms” get a whole lot more disruptive. Like, not being able to remember ANYthing, which affects my marriage and my job. Constantly misplacing things (and I’m talking about the times the faeries DON’T steal or hide them.) Not being able to sit still for long periods of time (I have officially had an anxiety attack at every conference I’ve been to because I get more anxious the more I have to sit still and pay attention to someone talking). Interrupting people when they’re talking (I NEVER used to do this). I’ve also started getting disruptive in meetings. Not in a destructive manner. I’m just able to distract everyone in the meeting, much to the chagrin of the person in charge of the meeting. I just need to be able to say “Sorry I get distracted easily, but there’s a reason.” Or” sorry I can’t seem to focus, but don’t worry, I’m taking meds now”. I also want to be able to do things even when I don’t want to. I need to know if I’m just lazy or a failure in life, if I have a legitimate excuse for these behaviors.

The disruptive meetings has really affected my self-esteem. I get depressed when I think about what a distraction I can be. I try to just keep my mouth closed, but it’s really hard. It gets easier the more depressed I get. Go figure. But I’ve started getting shut down. Like a passive slap to the face if I cause a distraction. This is true at work but even more so at the group I’ve started going to. I’ve started attending a pagan group. I won’t name it for fear of implicating people or disclosing my own real name. But the first issue with the group is that it is largely Wiccan in nature, and I am largely not Wiccan. I believe the Wiccan Rede has some good stuff, but I’m not into classifying every single thing as either Lord or Lady. I was brought up in the Goddess tradition. Which means I don’t really care about your Lord. Okay, maybe I won’t go that far. But I believe that all things come from one source. So the splitting of things into male and female is solely the work of mortals. The higher power doesn’t really have a gender, so it doesn’t give a shit what you call it. I am more comfortable with using goddess. Since it is the female that births, it makes sense that the creative force would be most easily understood as female. But I’m straying off the original topic. The other issue with the group is sometimes I feel welcome, and sometimes I feel like the black sheep. I know I can be distracting, and I think it pisses the leader off. (Well the group claims there is no real leader, but if there was a High Priest, it’s clear who that would be). So sometimes I think he doesn’t like me. Maybe I draw to much attention away from him? I don’t know. But there are other members of the group that seem to like me. Though sometimes I feel like my thoughts aren’t important since I’m new. Which makes sense in the hierarchy that Wicca can sometimes have, but it still makes me feel like crap. But I will keep going because I need some kind of spiritual connection. And despite it all, at least I feel something. Last week was the first night I felt bad after group.

Okay. This is turning into one of those long posts that I would never have the attention span to read. So kudos to you, dear reader, if you have made it this far. If not, at least I have put my thoughts into the universe. Perhaps it will take a slight weight off my shoulders.

Despite the depression I am feeling, I do thank you dear readers. I thank you for sticking with this blog even through the two months I posted nothing. I thank you for leaving comments on my 100th post. That actually did make me feel better. Perhaps if I get dx’d with ADD I’ll have some new snazzy medication that will give me the attention span and memory to return the favor and read your blogs! As it stands now, I will try to pop over every once in a while.

Toodles.

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Comments
  1. Lil says:

    You make such a great point here I know I can be distracting, and I think it pisses the leader off. (Well the group claims there is no real leader, but if there was a High Priest, it’s clear who that would be). So sometimes I think he doesn’t like me. Maybe I draw to much attention away from him? One person’s distraction is another person’s interesting side point, you know? So I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself for being interactive and participative in meetings, etc, ’cause at least you are getting involved! The ADHD thing is interesting, look forward to hearing more about the appointment and any results. I think you are a smart enough girl to know whether you have it or not, but it’s nice to have confirmation.

    Keep enjoying hangin’ with the pagans – at least they understand about faeries (well, I would imagine so!). Love, Lil xx

  2. Katherine Li says:

    I admire your web page , it has of lot of information. You just got one perennial visitor of this site!

  3. Thanks for the greet page, I love reading it!

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