No I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I just really haven’t had the time to blog.

Life has been kind of crapola. The hubby still hasn’t found a job using his degree and he is not happy with where he is working. So he comes home always in a bad mood, which is really hard for me because I always pick up other people’s moods. I try to be supportive but it’s hard when there’s not much I can do.

Also I’ve been really tired lately. Part of it is I don’t get enough sleep. My pdoc finally prescribed me some Ambien but it doesn’t always provide a full night’s sleep. It at least gets me able to sleep within 15 minutes instead of the hour it used to be. But I still wake up multiple times throughout the night. So that even when I get a full night of sleep I’m still not caught up on sleep. So I’m always tired now.

I’m also now officially only taking the Lexapro besides the sleeping pills. I don’t really know how to describe what I’m feeling because I’m so damn tired all the time. But I think the Lexapro only is part of the reason I can’t sleep. Plus I’ve been really hyperactive. Okay not really hyperactive, but hyperactive. I can’t focus and I’m always chatting with my coworker. My boss just sent self-reflective worksheets on mine and my coworkers job performances. This was right after a comment about my chatting with my other coworker. I just know she’s gonna get on me about talking all the time. She thinks I don’t get any work done. Partly it’s that I’m not made to sit in a desk all day anyway. I need people. But also partly it’s that I just can’t focus or sit still.

I just don’t know how to feel right now. I’m stuck somewhere between the mindset and feelings of depression with the energy of hypomania. I know I’m gonna get lamblasted for this but I wish I would just go into full blown mania so I can stop thinking so damn much!

I’ve been trying to contact my therapist to tell her about everything going on. But when she calls back I’m at work and can’t talk. She’s in the office until 7 but she never seems to have a free moment after I get off work. I’d try my pdoc but I think he’s less likely to be available and he doesn’t really listen to me anyway.

On top of everything else I have this tingling in my head. Very much like that feeling you get in your feet when they fall asleep. I think my pdoc misunderstood when I told him about it because he said it would get better with sleep. Well, now it happens more often and now I get it in my nose and lips too. I have to see a neurologist tomorrow to take a look at my numb fingers and sore wrists (my physician thinks carpultunnel is a possibility). I’ll tell the neurologist about the head thing. I’m thinking a neurologist will take it seriously. I also had my blood checked for iron, B12, diabetes, and two other things. So hopefully all these tests will bring about some clues as to what is going on in my body.

I mean, when I look at everything I have, I know I’m luckier than a lot of people. But work has been so difficult and home is kind of a downer. I just find I have very little empathy for other people anymore. I just can’t listen to my family and friend’s problems all the time anymore. I have little patience or energy for that. But because I’ve always been a giver, it’s kind of like blasphemy for me not to want to take on everyone’s problems.

I just want to sleep for a million years.

  1. butterfly keeper says:

    hey there~

    it was my experience on lexapro that i actually felt SEDATED. seriously sedated: staring-vacantly-at-a-TV-with-my-mouth-open-and-drooling-sedated. it was magical.

    i hate feeling blindsided by work reviews and so called “reflective performance evaluations.” they are so clearly created by policy wonks that are the very definition of bureaucracy: official, ineffective, and counter-productive. i feel like i’m in a similar situation performance-wise…confused at the crossroads of being grateful for having a job and at odds with being able to pull my personal shit together enough to hold on to it.

    it’s enough to zap your personal fund for the mercy into a net deficit balance. i know. don’t take on everyone else’s problems. take care of YOU.

    rest and be well~

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