I find it quite puzzling that I have not yet slipped into hypomania. I have been on increased Lexapro and majorly decreased Risperdal for quite some time now. Where is the hypomanic episode I have been expecting? Sometimes I feel like it could be creeping up, but sometimes I don’t know if it’s just the coffee and/or me being normal. My therapist says I don’t know what normal is. She’s right, and that’s the problem. I don’t know what’s actually problematic and what is normal that I just need to learn to tolerate. I mean, I know a healthy me is an optimistic and energetic me. So these moments that I’m having, are they me just being me, or is it a slow build to hypomania? Does it even matter? Maybe I really don’t have bipolar and all these years I’ve been lying to myself. That’s how it has turned out with the Borderline. I don’t know what to do with the past 3 years of my life if that is the case. The past 3 years have been so defined by the bipolar and borderline, that now may not even exist. What an absolute waste of 3 years!

On a slightly unrelated note, I really want to have a baby. Of course my husband and I are not anywhere near being financially stable enough to have  a kid right now, but I still want one. I read on facebook about my friends with their kids and little part of me yearns. But one thing that does motivate me to do. I need to get healthy. Mentally, physcially, emotionally and spiritually. I want to be healthy when I bring a child into this world. Whether or not I actually am bipolar, I KNOW I will always battle depression. But when I have a kid, I want to be on a plan that helps keep me stable, with a plan of what to do if I get depressed. I want to be able to love my child with smothering him/her. I don’t want to be distant or overbearing. So I need to learn how to handle my emotions concerning people I am close to. I also need to get my physical health under control. I’m finally going to make a doctor appointment and tell the doctor everything that’s bothering me. If he doesn’t pay attention, I’ll keep looking til I find a doctor that does.

All I know is I have not been living right, and it’s time for a change.

Speaking of change, I have decided to leave me email groups. I feel that I am now at a point in my life where they are no longer serving as a support. I’m trying to get control of me, and unfortunately that means I need to be a little selfish.

Now if only I could figure out how to make my husband happy.

  1. nondelusionalpsychosis says:

    I am so SO proud of you!!!! You have a long road ahead of you, but you just made the hardest step. Don’t give up, ok? I’m here if you need anything!

  2. We posted a link to your blog on our blog links (http://www.spliit.wordpress.com) and what greatly appreciate if you could return the favor but posting a link to our blog on your blog links.

    Also, if you are interested we would love to submit a guest article to your blog. Let us know via email if this is of interest to you.

    Stephanie Price
    Founder & President
    Love Is The Cure


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