Welcome to MindFuck Wednesday!

I guess I should start by recognizing that I have not blogged in a little bit of any substance. Nor have I read any blogs or emails. I’ve been a little self-centered lately. Not self-centered in a snobbish way, but in a self-focusing way. So I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting.

So I had a therapy appointment today.

Okay, back up. I see I have not kept you fearless readers in the loop. Backstory:

I was taking 10mg of Lexapro and 1/2mg of Risperdal. I wanted to increase my Lexapro to 20mg and replace the Risperdal with Seroquel. For one, the Risperdal wasn’t doing crap. And I couldn’t go to a higher dose without irritating side effects. Plus I was having trouble sleeping and I figured the Seroquel was a two in one deal. Well, the pdoc agreed that I should increase the Lexapro to 20mg and told me that I’ll pretty much be taking Lexapro for the rest of my life. However, he seems to think that it would be a great idea to wean me off the Risperdal and not replace it with anything. He thinks I should be just fine with just the Lexapro. I’m think, HELLO!? How do you put someone with bipolar disorder on just an antidepressant.

That brings us back to the therapy appointment today. At the end of the session we talked about diagnosis.

She thinks that it’s pretty much in the bag that I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder. And I’m thinking sure, why not. It’s not like I’ve ever been really sure. And I don’t experience the symptoms to the degree that most (according to my research) do. And I don’t have all the symptoms. So perhaps I have personality traits that are similar to those seen in Borderline Personality Disorder, but I do not actually have a personality disorder. I guess that makes sense since none of my friends or family think I have the disorder. So apparently I’ve been overdramatic about my problems and wrongly self-diagnosed. Does this mean I’ve lied to those few souls I’ve told? Have I lied to you, fearless readers? Have I lied to the people in my email groups? Do I now have to leave those groups since I don’t actually have BPD?

But oh, fearless readers, it doesn’t stop there. Apparently the reason the pdoc is not replacing the Risperdal, according to my therapist, is because he is moving away from the bipolar diagnosis.

Well fuck me! I have just lost 2 1/2 years worth of self reflection and exploration in a single appointment. Apparently, dear readers, I am an over-medicated, over-dramatic depressive with very labile moods and abandoment issues and black and white thinking, who self-injures.

I of course am not as likely to agree to this recent revelation on the part of my doctors. I will stand by the bipolar diagnosis until proven otherwise. So, now that I’m on an increased amount of antidepressant, and a drastically decreased amount of antimanic (not an actual medical term), we shall see if this triggers mania or hypomania (because, wouldn’t you know, it’s not actually determined if I have bipolar I or bipolar II).

So far I have had increased trouble sleeping, but I am tired. Now if I continue to have trouble sleeping and am not tired, that is when we begin to keep track.

But I’m prepared. I’ve given my boss emergency numbers, medication stats, and typical signs of my hypomania/mania. Now won’t this be a shot in the ass if I don’t need them and it turns out I’m really just a depressive?

Of course, maybe I’ve just been making it up all along!

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