Hopeless

Posted: August 25, 2009 in depression, stress, suicide, work

***Warning: Possible Trigger***

I feel so hopeless. I was feeling better this morning and then the depression hit again. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be hospitalized. Then I could get the break I really need. But I keep telling myself, you’re not that serious yet. Sure I keep thinking about eternal escape, but thinking about my husband keeps me from doing anything. Does it even count if I’m not likely to do anything. Plus what would happen at work. I meet with students everyday. Events have to be planned, contracts worked out. Jeez, I’m stressing myself out just thinking about it. No wonder I’m so overwhelmed.

I feel utterly trapped and I just want OUT! That’s why I want to go to the hospital and just get the chance to take a break from life. But I’m afraid that they won’t accept me since I haven’t made a “plan”. I’m afraid of the costs. I’m afraid at the consequences at work. And I’m afraid that wanting to be hospitalized just proves how week of a person I am.

When the only options are life and death, and you can’t do either, where does that leave you?

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Comments
  1. Polar Bear says:

    hi Ari
    Do try to hang in there. Having been hospitalised myself numerous times, I can't recommend hospital as an option, really. I find hospital extremely unhelpful and is only a last resort.

    Can you take some annual leave from work? Just to give yourself some time to sort things out and relieve the pressure from work?

  2. Borderline Lil says:

    You're not weak, Ari. You're in pain, and tired of fighting, but in my opinion hospital is not an option it's a last (and forced) resort. I hope you aren't at that place yet! There's got to be some other way, I hope you find it!

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