So I made it through the retreat in one piece and one mind…sorta. I made the two days without any kind of breakdown. Although today I have run quite the gamut of emotions. I’ve teetered on the edge of dissociation, depression, and I think I managed to sneak some hypomania in there too. Now I don’t know what I feel. I’m all jumbled up in the head. I’ve thought today about identifying as someone with an invisible disability (which happens to be a target group on the scale of oppression, we played The Game Of Oppression this morning), thinking of how my bipolar and bpd affect me, denying I have bipolar and bpd, and ultimately deciding that if I don’t think about it then it won’t bother me. (Although it didn’t keep me from reading my email groups and blogs).

I’m pretty convinced right now that if I just stop thinking and trying so hard, and can become one with my madness and not have to suffer all this heartache of acting normal and trying to be understood. Right now, at this very moment, sitting right here on this couch, I just want to let the madness take me away. But I won’t, because that would be irresponsible. I wish I could just be damned irresponsible and not worry about anything at all. I want to take a blade up and down my arms without worrying about the consequences. I want to get absolutely drunk and hit the (nonexistent) nightlife. I want to dance all night. I want to stare off into space and have a conversation with the wall. I want to do all the things I did when everything was safe in my own mind. When my imagination was enough to make the real world drop away. But instead I’ll just sit here on my couch and not worry my hubby.

I do think I’ll go grab another pomegranite martini. delicious!

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Comments
  1. patientanonymous says:

    Oh, man! I've got to say something here as it's such a great post but my brain is heading in a direction where I can't write a comment to do it justice.

    Little Ms. Angsty Pants will be back.

    x

  2. patientanonymous says:

    Hi, I said I'd be back and again, this post…there's something about it. I don't know what to say but it's "triggering" something inside me (but not in a bad way.)

    It's like, I'm sitting here silent, mute, dumbfounded not knowing what to say–and yet I CAN say something.

    And you know me! Hey, you read my Blab-A-Thon Blog!

    What is it about this post…god!

    It's making me mental!

    I think what I need to do is cut and paste it into an email, send it to myself and then try and respond that way.

    It's like, there's so much depth to it that I can't just type away in a little box and say: "Oh, yeah Ari. Glad you made it through Conference. Good for you. Hope you're feeling better."

    Well, okay. That's a bit glib but I think you can get it.

    No, this is just, maybe it's just "too me" and I need to…talk to you and share?

    Fuck, me.

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