The Tipping Point

Posted: July 30, 2009 in bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, breakdown, depression, pdoc, stress

I have reached that critical point called crisis.

I tried to move my appointment up for an emergency session, but the pdoc had no appointments today and isn’t in on Fridays. So I’m stuck waiting until Monday. The reception seemed totally unconcerned that my life is quickly spiraling out of control. Thank you so much for your concern ma’am.

I know that most of the problem is I’ve had so many transitions in such a short amount of time. Let’s list them shall we. Since May I have:
Gotten married
Moved halfway across the country
Started a new job
Got new kittens
Tried to take in a puppy

And then with me having trying to keep control while the inlaws are here has sent me over the edge. Funny how the harder I tried to keep control the more quickly everything fell apart. My mom says I should talk to my mother-in-law because she may understand more than I know. I know she has some understanding, but it’s so hard to be that vulnerable to someone you’re really really trying to impress. I just want her to like me and think that I can take care of her son. He’s her only child and I know she wants him to have a good life. I want to prove I can provide that. Not doing such a great job…

On top of all this I just keeping thinking: get a hold of yourself woman! I should have more control than this. I mean I had another breakdown last night. That should have been the end of it. I should have been able to pick up the pieces and continue on. What if I don’t really have any kind of mental disorder. What if I’m just using the label as an excuse. I mean plenty of people get through worse. I should have more control. I just feel like such a drama queen and just too lazy to put any real work in. What if my “depression” or “exhaustion” is just an excuse to be lazy. My father always told me how lazy I am, what if he’s been right all along?

For those of you who may fear for my sanity, my husband did find a hotline I can call and they’ll be able to help me figure out what I can do. After sitting and eating for an hour I’ve gained some control and am pretty sure I can make it through the next three hours of work.

  1. falloutmommy says:

    I started seeing a new pdoc last month. He gave me the line about being lazy. Nevermind that this over overwhelming tired-all-the-time and can’t wake up thing started after the seroquel. But alas, if I don’t take it, I don’t sleep at all.

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