Just a Shell

Posted: July 20, 2009 in borderline personality disorder, bpd, emptiness

So I have not yet fully recovered from the weekend meltdown. I’m not even sure I’m headed in the direction of recovery.

I hate how such little things can set off such a maelstorm and leave me so broken. I don’t even know if I used maelstorm correctly or spelled it correctly but I can’t really bring myself to care.

I just feel so empty right now. A shell of my former self. Well, not former self really. More like the self that appears in moments of true sanity. Because I think those moments that I think I’m still crazy I really am sane. Or at least it feels a hell of a lot saner than this.

I don’t want to be at work right now. I can’t concentrate. I feel so overwhelmed. I’m not sure I can do this job. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Now I know why the cats sleep under the covers or under the bed. It’s less vulnerable. I feel like an attack can come at any moment from any side.

I’m losing it but I have nowhere to run.

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