On A Roll

Posted: July 18, 2009 in attention, borderline personality disorder, bpd, wine, working out

I went to the gym this afternoon for the second day in a row! That’s huge!!! And I actually feel good today. Sure I had some moments that I felt really sad, but I was able to get through them. I guess mind over matter can work when I really want it to.

I think the problem with me up til now has been that I’m afraid to “get better”. I’ve never really known who I am, and I’ve used the Borderline label to sort of anchor and define myself. If I get better, or I don’t really have it (which I’m constantly afraid somebody’s going to say to me) then I lose the only thing that has adequately described me. I mean if I get better, that means I fix my flawed personality. If that gets fixed, it changes, and then once again I have no idea who I am. I guess I’m never going to be “whole” until I can find out who I am underneath all the labels.

The other problem with me is that I crave attention. If I don’t have attention then I feel absolutely worthless. So when no one replies to my emails, or comments on something I’ve posted, I get really, really depressed. To the point that I really began to wonder if I should even keep the blog. I’ve decided to keep it and focus more on what it does for me. If what I have to say reaches someone, or someone can relate to it or learn from it, that’s an added bonus. But the real reason I blog needs to be from me. I need to stop seeking outside validation. If I can’t validate myself, no validation from someone else is ever going to really help.

Now if only I could find a damn therapist and psychiatrist so I can share all these revelations and they could help me do something about them! I did buy some books on managing BPD. I have a whole collection of books on BPD and Bipolar Disorder but I also use them to reaffirm my identity as a helpless victim. Now I’m going to use them to take control.

On a lighter note I finally found a cheap wine that tastes good. Apparently cheap cabernet sauvignon tastes better than cheap pinot grigio. I already used one of my pricier wines for myself at a particularly low point. The other two I am saving for when we eventually have people over. It will happen someday… 🙂

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